Dress Archie Hunter Fund

Looking for Dress Archie?

2010-02-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

Due to a variety of influences (spam in the comments, overall boredom with the format, and the wise words of Sheryl Crow), The Dress Archie Hunter Fund would like to formally announce our move to www.dressarchie.wordpress.com.

Bigger and badder than ever, we hope you enjoy the move. Make sure to tell your friends.

Out like DAHF from this domain. For ever.

Peace.

gil scott heron

2010-02-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

this video caught me when i saw it on theeducatedvillans. album to come out soon. this guy is super old and has a phenomenal voice. listen to his spoken word at the end. the music is also amazing+words+visuals of the video. interesting analysis of the video form the source that i got it from

Yea Call Me Not Hip Or Sweet...

2010-02-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

But I still listen to new rap:

Clipse- Popular Demand

Gucci Mane- Lemonade

JOOSE

2010-01-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

Even though coming to J-Term at Middlebury means leaving the lovely Bay Area, it has given me the opportunity to experiment with alcoholic beverages. I have consumed Beer, Wine (from a bag and bottle), Mead (Honey Wine), Whiskey, Vodka, Rum, etc... However, I have found my new drink of choice. Its called JOOSE. (GHETTO!)

Joose is an alcoholic energy drink, similar in design and purpose to competing beverages such as Sparks and Tilt. It is growing in popularity due to its relatively high alcohol content (9.0-9.9% ABV) compared with other beverages generally available at a convenience store, such as beer (typically 4-6% ABV) (from wikipedia). The flavors of the different Jooses are: Joose Tropical, Dragon Joose, Joose Cranberry, Jungle Joose, Mamba Joose, and Panther Joose. I have had Panther, Mamba and Dragon.

Anyway, after you drink one of these (it a 24oz can, so its like 4 beers and a lot of caffeine) your heart literally feels like a mexican jumping bean and you feel like you can fly (but you can't cuz your drunk), and it makes you wanna party and dance A LOT (which is good). Everyone should go try it before it gets banned. I believe venders have 30 days to sell the Joose that they have because I believe the FDA just made this drink illegal.

Also, go to: drinkjoose.com and listen to all of the ridiculous raps about drinking JOOSE.

2009 Fantasy Football Review

2009-12-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

Today marks the end of two seasons: that of the New York Giants, and that of our glorious fantasy league. Needless to say, I'm battling depression.

So I'm doing a Fantasy Season Review with awards, and some other stuff that comes to mind as I type it. So here we go, from worst to first based on league standings and the playoffs.

Ho-Train (3-11)
Least Valuable Player
Holden, let me be the first to wish you goodbye from this league. You made 0 moves over the course of the season. You've now come in last the last two years. Clay thought your team was decent, and Mikel put you in the bottom three, but no one I think expected this sort of suckitude. Granted you beat me, but that's not saying much. For this I believe you have earned our LVP award. Goodbye, and good luck in your future endeavors.
I'm not sure if you were there for the draft so I don't know how much credit or shit to give you.
Best Pick: I think you deserve some credit for getting Sydney Rice in Round 11, after already drafting Chris Chambers, Kevin Curtis, Anquan Boldin, Lee Evans, and Santana Moss. He outscored all of them.
Worst Pick: There's a few potential stinkers here. Santana Moss in round 6 is pretty awful, but I gotta go with Lee Evans in round 5. Vincent Jackson was taken two picks later, and Santonio Holmes was taken two picks after that. Clearly better options then Lee Evans.

Mark (5-9)
The I-Was-Abroad-And Barely-Checked-My-Team-So-My-Team-Sucked Award
Markie I actually have a great deal of respect for you as a fantasy team manager. Year after year you make the playoffs or come close, usually making some astute moves in the in the process. This year, not so much. It seems like you checked your team rarely, and did little to turn any heads. That being said, you were abroad, so I understand. Hopefully you'll come back next year with vengeance.
Best Pick: You had three very strong picks in this draft. Schaub, the 5th best QB in the 6th (after Cutler, Romo, and Mcnabb). Colston in the 3rd (after Owens, Carolina Steve Smith, and Dwyane Bowe). But your best pick (and I never though I would type this) has to be Vernon Davis in the 19th. Great Fucking Pick.
Worst Pick: Your first two picks killed you. Barber at 10 and Portis at 15 were both busts. Those picks probably ruined your year.

Juanny Feesh (5-9)
The Second Half Sleeper Award/I Got Trade-Raped With a 30 Inch Long and Can of Beans Wide Dildo Award
Johnny your team had a funny year. You started 0-8. Wow. Talk about poopy. You looked like the Browns in the first half. But some nice pickups (Jamaal Charles, Kenny Britt, Austin Collie) lead to a 5-1 finish. I feel like this always happens to you Fishman. You shoot yourself in the leg early in the season, only to be the team no one wants to face late in the year. I have no evidence for that statement. One of these years though I think you'll break through. That being said, this is the third straight year where you've been in the bottom half, and Mikel called your season before it even started (lots of inconsquential moves, and a bottom 3 finish).
Best Pick: You weren't there for the draft so I can't really give or take too much from you. I think Charles was your best move of the year, he's been dynamite in the second half. And looking at your team, you have some talent. I think your best pick was probably DeSean Jackson in the 5th.
Worst Pick/Move: Your worst picks were clearly Roy E in the 4th, and Royal in the 6th, leading to a weak WR corps. That being said, you win the award for the worst move of the year. I absolutely trade raped you in the Manning and P. Thomas for Cutler and Jacobs trade. You never give up Peyton Manning. Never. I really think this move doomed your season. If you had Manning instead of Cutler and Alex Smith I think you would have been a top half team.

Max B (6-8)
The Forgotten Team Award
I don't think I remember playing your team once. Sorry. I like you. Your team looked pretty mediocre at the draft, and stayed that way all year. Romo was big for you, as was Deangelo "Barksdale" Williams. But other than that you're team is pretty below average. You also have two defenses and kickers. Interesting. I don't know how much you checked your team in the late going, but I expect a stronger performance from you next year.
Best Pick: Clearly Romo in the 4th. He was the best player on your team by a long shot, and was the 7th highest points getter. A good year from a smug bastard.
Worst Pick: Unfortunately for you there are a few picks I would put in here. Tomlinson at 17, Antonio Bryant in the 5th, and Torry Holt in the 8th, were all mediocre. I think the winner is Donnie Avery in the 7th. Eew. He was hurt at the time of the draft as well. You could have avoided him. Good call Clay on this one.

The Deebster (6-8)
The Unlucky/Karma/Stop Complaining Award
Well the Fantasy titan has finally fallen (at least in this league, though he will win a great deal of cash along with RJ in another). This is definitely in large part to being abroad, but I got to admit I kinda like it. But let's be honest, you were definitely unlucky. You put up the 4th highest points total and ended in 8th place. That shouldn't happen. Clay made an impressive call on Rodgers being the highest point getter, and that definitely worked out well for you. You thought you're biggest weakness was your wide receiving corps, but I htink what really screwed you was your depth at RB. There just wasn't enough production there aside from Rice. Whatever, I'm sure you'll be back to your winning ways next year.
Best Pick: Clearly Ray Rice in the 8th. The 4th highest producing RB with the 85th pick is pretty nice.
Worst Pick: I don't really blame you for it cause I made the same mistake in another league but it has to be Slaton at 12. He was horrible this year. I'm sure he fucked many other fantasy owners as well.

Harrison (6-7-1)
The Most Inappropriate Team Name Award
Your team was pretty decent post-draft, but I think your season was pretty predictable. Just good enough to win some games, not good enough to win them when they counted. All you needed was one win in the last two weeks to potentially get in the playoffs, and couldn't beat either Clay or me. That's the difference between the playoffs and mediocrity. You've got a pretty productive team, but I think what you lacked was a second big point getter behind Brees. If Steven Jackson was not on a poopy offense, I think he could have been your guy, but he got the yards and not the TDs.
Best Pick: You made a couple good pickups with Sims-Walker and McGahee when he was hot early so kudos on that. Draftwise, I think your strongest pick was probably Brees at 18. Not very surprising, but without him your team would be much weaker. I also like the Santonio and Thomas Jones picks.
Worst Pick: TO at 31 was pretty bad (and a very Harrison pick) and DHB should never have been on anyone's team. But I gotta say Shawne Merriman at 103 in the 9th. This with your reasoning "When there's a run on defense you gotta pick it" was retarded. There were still good offensive players left instead of this Roid freak.

Me (7-7)
The Trade Raper Award
My team was hated on greatly at the start of the year, and ended up being the 3rd highest point getter. That being said I am very disappointed to not be in the playoffs. I also had a weird season as I won 4 straight, lost 6, then won 3. Losses to John and Holden killed me. My team had good productivity, but really couldn't put it all together when I needed it to. I had two guys do most of my work, but it just wasn't enough to get in the playoffs. A lack of a second running back really hurt as well. That being said I expect to be at the top of the league again next year, and think I have established myself as an upper echelon fantasy football manager.
Best Pick/Move: Obviously my whole year was contingent on the trade rape I performed on John. Peyton Manning was exponentially better then Cutler, and Pierre was also better then Jacobs. Draft wise I like AB44 in the 11th and Donald Driver in the 8th. Lots of production from down there. My Steve Smith NYG pick up was also pretty huge.
Worst Pick: Unfortunately I have a couple that take this award. Witten at 38 was a DISASTER, as was Fast Willy in the 5th and Larry Johnson in the 7th. A failure to handcuff these two was really poorly done on my part.

Moishe Isaacs (7-6-1)
The Overachiever/Worst Name Award
Far and away the worst name in the league. Come on put a little effort into it. Be a little inappropriate. It feels good. Your team put up the 3rd least points yet you finished in 5th. Basically, you got lucky. You're team is full of good, but not great players at their position. I think you haven't made the playoffs any of the years you have been in this league, so I think improvement is needed. That being said you made a couple good moves that helped your chances.
Best Pick: Miles Austin 18th round, pick 212. Let me take my hat off and applaud that one.
Worst Pick: Got to say Matt Forte at 5. I don't really fault you for it as I thought he was gonna have a great year and made the same mistake in another league. But that really hurt your team. Also Julius Jones in the 6th was pretty poor.

Krembo (7-6-1 Regular Season, Probably 4th place in the playoffs)
The Dark Horse Award
You stayed under the radar most of the year and put up solid season. You crawled into the playoffs after a fast start but just getting there is pertty impressive. You were hated on after the draft, but you put together a season that you should be pleased with. Even though football is clearly your second sport after baseball, I think you have established yourself as an upper level fantasy owner. You survived the loss of your first round pick, and your WR's carried you for some time.
Best Pick: There a few strong picks but none really blow me away. Addai in the 5th and Hines Ward in the 6th were both solid picks that didn't get a lot of support. Also, I like the Shiancoe pick in the last round. Your best move, and I hate to say it, was clearly your add of Brett Favre. He's had a huge year for you.
Worst Pick: Bowe at 30. That really did not work out that well.

RJ (7-6-1 Regular Season, Probably 3rd in the playoffs)
The Team that Chris Johnson was On Award
Like me a few years ago with LT, you strapped a saddle on Chris Johnson and rode him into the playoffs (No Homo). As Clay predicted your team was anchored by two very very strong players in him and Rivers, and those picks produced big time for you. That being said, you definitely had some luck on your side. You got to play Ho-Train in the last week of the regular season to get in the playoffs which is nice. You didn't have huge points totals, and you had some pretty terrible picks. That being said you deserve a lot of credit for having success in what also should be considered your second sport. You won the championship last year and defended your title admirably. And you had a huge week last week that could have gotten you into the finals. You are clearly an upper echelon manager.
Best Pick: A tie between Chris Johnson at 9 and Philip Rivers at 33. I know I am repeating myself but these guys were your team this year.
Worst Pick: This was the difference between the top two teams and you. You had a couple of misses and it hurt you bad. McFadden in the 4th was pretty bad (come on you knew Oakland was gonna be terrible) but Derrick Ward in the 5th was worse. That left you scrambling in the second half when you could have used a productive #2.

The Bubs (12-2 Overall, Likely 2nd in playoffs)
The Regular Season Juggernaut Award/San Jose Sharks Award
Like the San Jose Sharks, and many teams before them, Bubs you put together a great regular season only to fall in the finals. Let's face it, your and Clay's teams were head and shoulders above the rest this year, and a huge amount of credit goes to you for the way in which you drafted your team. You made only 10 moves all year, illustrating the outstanding draft you had. Both DB and Clay saw your teams as a strong contender right off the bat, so kudos to them as well. You had the first pick, which made things pretty easy and guaranteed a good number of points, but where you really blew the field away was in the middle rounds. Your picks of Ricky Williams in the 9th, Roethlisfaggot in the 11th, and Mendenhall in the 12th were absolutely crucial in your success this year. You came in second two years ago as well, so I think you have started to establish as a top tier fantasy football manager. All you need is more consistency from year to year.
Best Pick: Clay killed me in his review by pointing out your pick of Dallas Clark 2 rounds after I took Witten, and that was rightfully so. That was clearly a great pick on your part. However, I gotta go with the pick of Ricky Williams in the 9th as your best pick. You already had Brown, so a Ricky handcuff was a smart move, but I don't think anyone expected him to carry the team in the way he has since Ronnie Brown went down. Your team team may have lost a lot of production when Ronnie went down, but you still managed to score the second most points and win the most games. Also the Hightower pick up early on helped cement your RB position.
Worst Pick: Hard to knock a draft that was as productive as yours, but I think I would probably say that Ted Ginn in the 8th was probably your worst pick. He just hasn't been as productive as everybody had hoped, and I don't think many people had him singled out as a potential sleeper. But overall, well done Tall Can.

Ruxin (AKA Clay "I Jock Whatever Team's Are Good in Every Sport" Canielsen 11-3 Overall
League Champion
The Most Obnoxious Winner/Person That I Heard The Most People Say That They Didn't Want To Win/Future Commissioner Award
Clay, I said that I didn't think your team was that great post-draft and lord knows I was wrong. You put up the most points (a pretty ridiculous 127 points per game average), and managed to beat the regular season champ Bubs in the championship. Well done. But I hate you. Also kudos on a great team name, though I watched something on the KKK last night and they actually call themselves Imperial Wizards- so minus points for inaccuracy. But looking at your team, your pretty stacked from hot to bottom. You have a strong QB, two great WR's, and three potent RB's. That might sound like the basis of a championship team, and for you that definitely was the case. You stuck with your guns and took MJD at 4 and that paid off, your next two picks had great years at WR, and had some pretty astute mid round picks. Unlike Archie, you made a whole bunch of moves (which for the most part were pretty inconsequential), but like Bubs you drafted the heart of your team, so hats off in that department. However, there are some questions regarding yourself going into the future. What will you be like as commissioner? Will we play for money? Will there but cuts aside from Ho-Train? How incessantly will you talk about this triumph over the course of the coming year? But more importantly, was this a fluke? I don't think you have ever made the playoffs before this year, and while you said that this was the first year you have taken it really seriously, that seems like a weak excuse. You clearly follow football more than the rest of us (I think Mikel and I might be the only other ones who are even in the same ballpark, albeit you might be on homeplate while we're in the bleachers) but so far that hasn't resulted in fantasy success. I think the league can definitely succeed under your control, and I look forward to everybody naming their teams making fun of you (which should be a yearly tradition that we do towards the commissioner).
Best Pick: This one is a no-brainer for me. Benson with the 93rd pick overall in the 8th round. He was as productive as an earlier round RB despite some injury troubles, and he was HUGE for your team this year.
Worst Pick: I honestly have no real issues with your draft. The biggest problem I have with it is that after your first 12 picks or so, hardly any of those players were of any consequence for your team, but who knows what one is getting in the late rounds anyways.

Well this took me two days to write and required a fair amount of work. I hope you enjoy this as a sort of wrap-up to the league that we all know and love. As a bonus (and really as a joke, I am doing my First Annual Pre-Season Rankings for next year of the league).
12. Ilan
11. Harrison
10. TK/Myles/Whoever we have taking over for Ho-Train
9. John
8. Kremer
7. Archie
6. Max B
5. RJ
4. Clay
3. Mark
2. Deebster
1. Me (Cause it wouldn't be a proper ranking without putting myself atop of it).

Le Boeuf

2009-12-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

The other day whilst carousing on the internets, I came across a potentially lethal rap beef. One sided as of now but sure to witness a counter-attack soon enough, this brewing war predicts a beef of unprecedentedly epic proportions. It's not only inter-rapper (real word), but international, and inter-generational. "Old Man Uncle Sam", as he is known by his fellow hoodlums at Wooden Oaks Retirement Home, has formulated a direct attack against Jacques Cousbro, a budding star on the French rapping and blogging scene. Unwarranted and unprovoked Uncle Sam has struck the first blow...will Jacques Cousbro rise to this diaper-wielding, wheel-chair rolling, disgruntled WWII vet's brazen challenge? Only time will tell...

Listen to the old geezer's diss track here:
Vous Ȇtes A Bitch - Old Man Uncle Sam

chek this out..

2009-12-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

BlaQKout is hot sheeyit. Album to come shortly. For now...

To go along with the japanese theme of videos...

2009-12-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

This reminds me of Mikel for some reason...(at least the monster in the video does)

its been a while since a japanese animal video has entered giraffe city [ie dahf]...

2009-12-17T00:17:00.001-08:00

word up to bk

jam city..

2009-12-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

joker & ginz - purple city

get it while its hot, which was like 7 months ago, but it still bumps.

My Phishy Experience

2009-12-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

Phish - Festival 8 from Michael Marantz on Vimeo.

This is to set the scene of what a Phish concert is like.

This past Saturday I attended my first ever Phish concert. I have heard many epic stories about people’s experiences at Phish concerts, but I honestly did not know what to expect. Before arriving to the concert venue in Albany, NY, we wanted to check into the hotel that we had previously booked online. Although the Econolodge isn’t the best place to stay, it would definitely be fine given the circumstances. We chose this Econolodge because it was only a mile away from the venue, and we would be able to walk there and back without having to worry about driving while being fucked up. However, when we arrived at the hotel, the owner (who is Indian- this is important later on in the story) alerted us that a pipe had burst in our room and that there were no other rooms available. Although we were pissed off, the owner said that he would set us up at another hotel for the night. FINE WHATEVER! We argued that since he was really fucking us in this situation, that they needed to give us a ride to and from the concert. So it seemed like everything was going to work out. We packed a 30-wrack of Coors in the trunk of the ‘Company’ Land Cruiser, and had more than enough “herbal medicine” to last us throughout the concert and night. On the way to the venue, our driver graciously let us know that there in-fact was no pipe burst in our room, but instead the owner had overbooked the hotel. BASTARD! Fuck that shit. Anyway, we get out of the car at the venue, and the environment is crazy. We go into the parking lot where thousands of people are smoking bowls, pounding beers, and buying and selling acid, weed, weed brownies, weed everything, Ecstacy, shrooms, and an assortment of other drugs. The area where you go to buy all of these goodies is called “Shake Down Street.” Loud music, people partying, and getting really, really, really fucked up. I have never seen so many fucked up smelly hippies in my whole entire life. Awesome. Anyways, my friends and I decide to experiment with one of the many “goodies” that were available. It literally took 3 minutes for us to be offered these “goodies”. Then we consumed it….etc..etc..

The concert was unbelievable. The music was hypnotizing, the lights the accompanied the band was even more impressive. I felt like I was a fish in a fishbowl with little kids pointing colored lazer lights at my face…..way cooler than it sounds. During the show I sent a couple of text messages to my good friend Deejae:
Deejae: How’s the show?
Me: Speechless. I know why now?
Deejae: Welcome
Deejae: Super funkalisious!
Me: Magnafunktatiousness!!!!
Deejae then proceeded to advise me to get home safely. I did. I also made a voice recording of some of my thoughts that I had during the show:
Voice recording 1: Phish is from another fucking planet. They are trying to brainwash our heads to feel good all of the fucking time. All the lights make it seem like a brainscan. Oh my god! They, they are, they are from another fucking planet, they know how to take over people. This is awesome.
Voice recording 2: Oh shit. I feel like I can grunt as well as they can play music. They are just describing hallucinagetic drugs, And I feel like if I was a grunter of an artist I would play good music like this, but not music, but grunting, but people would like it just as much.
Voice Recording 3: I see all of the combinations of pepperonis and vegetables in the audience. Oh my god it is the lady of the earth. Where did she come from? The lady of the earth was there. She needs to come back. OH MY GOD!!! Theres green man!

My experience at the concert was similar to these voice recordings. Anyways, after the show ended at 12:30 am, we walked outside to the nearby McDonald’s where we said that we would meet the car picking us up. After waiting for 20 minutes for the car to arrive, and after we tried to buy McDonald’s food by walking through the Drive-Through, the car arrived. As the four of us approach the car, we notice that there is an Indian woman driver with her two kids in it. We pile in the car. I sat in the back with the 5-year old Indian boy who must have been ridiculously scared of me because I kept motioning to him that I was sorry for bumping into him as I climbed over him to my seat. The kid really needed to be in bed. Why was he in the car with 4 extremely fucked up men? We realized the Indian woman driving was the owner of the hotels wife…what a bastard to make your wife do your dirty work. I felt so guilty…and confused…and paranoid…and I thought it was funny. The driver, name Eama, first drove us to the Econolodge so we could pick up the rest of our beer and some other necessities for the night. We then piled into the car to be taken to our new hotel.
We had thought that the hotel was going to be about 5 minutes away and probably at another half-decent place. We were so wrong. Eama drove us 20 minutes away from the Econolodge and our car to a shitty little motel, and a SHADY SHADY area. The motel was called “The Hostfield Inn.” We go to the front desk, which is barely a front desk, and another Indian woman is waiting for us. We could tell that she had just woken up from sleep in a backroom behind the front desk. I think that’s where she lived. We then realized that the owner of the Econolodge also privately owned this shit hole of a motel. So he had purposely overbooked us and was making more money by putting us here. The cards at the front desk were cards from other hotels, and he had crossed out the name of that hotel and written ‘Hostfield.’ After struggling to deal with the logistics of being placed in a room, which was so hard because we were fucked up and the lady didn’t speak a word of English, we started to walk towards our room.
Room 12 was behind a dirty, shady, warehouse in the middle of Buttfuck, NY. As we approached the front door, we noticed that there were massive dent marks in it, and it looked like it had been broken into multiple times. FUCK ME! We opened up the door and of course it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. There was a massive cockroach on the wall, the sheets were disgusting (I wouldn’t be surprised if there was poop on them), one of the mattresses had a massive bloodstain on it, the TV was literally from the 70s, and all of the little soaps, shampoos, and mouthwash bottles were stolen from other hotels (the mouthwash bottle said RAMADA-1999 on it).

Also the lock on the door was a simple door knob click lock. SHADY. So to remedy the situation, I put this little desk infront of the door so we would if someone was trying to break in. So finally after watching TV (Dirty jobs, Jackass, and Swordfish) and talking about teleportation, and levetation for 5 hours. We finally went to bed.

We woke up the next morning to the sound of knocking on our front door. It was the “cleaning service” to let us know that we had to check out. When we opened the door I was not surprised to see that the cleaning service was an extremely old Indian couple (probably 105 years old). They had a shopping cart with a dirty blanket on top of it. WOW. Great. We call Eama to get picked up from the shit hole to have her take us back to the Econolodge. We got back, we immediately went to the owner and let him know how pissed off we were and how shitty of an establishment he was running. It’s a fucking crime to overbook people at a corporate hotel, and then send them to your privately owned piece of shit, and charge the same amount of money. We demanded to be refunded our money. But of course, he refused and told us to get the fuck out of his hotel. CUNT! After cussing him out, and calling him a retarded businessman, we proceeded to call the Econolodge headquarters to file a formal complaint in an attempt to be refunded our money. Then I went to dominos to get a sandwich, and drove home. This was my Saturday night.

All in all, Phish is epic. And I think it is important that everyone gets a chance to see them perform before the stop touring. I’d love to go again.

sikkness...

2009-12-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

BENI - Maximus
by MaisonKitsune

props to wasabiii

reminds me of my cousin--white AF1's or definitely on my christmas list.

Who does this look like?

2009-11-18T20:31:00.001-08:00

great song. check out ella fitzgerald's version for some f-in fireworks.

2009-11-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

First off, I too would like to applaud Widukind on his incredible use of diction in his prior post below me. It, with the like of this and this post, will surely go into the Hall of Fame of Dress Archie.

Okay a few thoughts on being abroad in general.

1) Driving on the Autobahn is as fun as it sounds. I drove down to Prague this past weekend. Only about a three-hour drive, so it was the perfect length to enjoy the Autobahn without getting bored from having to drive for too long. Now first, there are a few misnomers about the Autobahn. There are speed limits for about half of the highways. They are usually 130kph or 80mph. But for about half the time there are signs that show an X through a speed limit sign, meaning you are now entering a zone of no-restriction. Those are pretty fun. Almost immediately everyone on the road increases his or her cruising speed to 160 (100mph). For the most part during those times, I went about 180 or 112mph. Fastest I got up to was 210 or 130, but then the car started to shake, so I eased up a fair amount. I may sound like a total tool for talking about this but it is one of those things that if you ever get the opportunity to try it, take it. Really fun time.

2) Driving on the Autobahn in the rain is as scary as it sounds. Everyone still goes the same speeds, but it just feels like you have no control over everything. That wasn’t much fun.

3) Prague is an entirely underrated European city. By far my favorite place I’ve visited this trip. Everything from the city to the food topped my expectations. If you ever go, there is a beer hall there called U Fleku that you have to go to. It is a microbrewery that serves only one beer, its house beer. The house beer is as dark if not darker than Guinness, and is 13% alcohol, so basically wine. But it tastes perfect. Not dark and bitter like Guinness, and not light and watery like a lot of American beers. Perfect. And given the high alcohol content, the atmosphere there is a little ridiculous. The most equitable comparison to a nightly Oktoberfest in my book.

4) Lastly some more music if you are interested. I think at least one or two of these might suit Widukind’s desire to go crazy.

Start off with the best first. This is a remix of an original song by Spencer and Hill, a German DJ group, called Trespasser. In the original version of the song, the chorus says “I wanna be a, wanna be a, I wanna be a Trespasser.” Now a clever little DJ from Milan, by the name of Gigi Barocco, noticed that if he remixed the song a little and took out the word “Trespasser,” it sounds like the chorus is “I just wanna beer, wanna beer, wanna beer.” Personally, I think this is absolutely hilarious, and the fact that it is attached to a good elektro song just takes it over the top for me. Have a listen.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/zeyfdjd1njg/Spencer-Hill-Trespasser-Gigi-Barocco-Remix.mp3

Next comes a pretty good song originally by English DJ Fake Blood (terrible name in my book). Herve invited himself along to do a remix and I think it’s pretty good. Would really recommend listening to this plugged into something with a pretty good bass. Has a pretty good drop.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/tnoiwgwjizc/05-Mars-Exclusive-Herve-Re-Fix.mp3

Finally, Bob Sinclair came out with a new song. His last few songs since “World Hold On” have all been a bit disappointing in my book. But this one harkens back a little and is actually good. Been getting a fair amount of airplay here. This is technically the Avicii remix, but the difference is negligible. Enjoy:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/toxf2mjn15k/Bob-Sinclair-New-New-New-Avicii-Remix-RIP.mp3

Lastly, some of you may already have this song, but Chromeo came out with a new single about a month and a half ago. It’s called Night by Night, and since I’m going to see them on Saturday, I figured I’d throw it out there.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/tzwowkywtn2/Night-By-Night.mp3

Out like I almost am from abroad. Shit.

If only...

2009-11-16T19:59:00.001-08:00

Jed had balls as big as this guy.

Remember when this was the sickest?

2009-11-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

It still is the sheeyit. My goodness.

Widukinds Diary Entry #29: the Adventures of Widukind Part 2

2009-11-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Mac Mall makes it to the first page on Google Images for a "shrooms" search!

After my saccharine escapade (remember this for later), the rest of Sunday night was spent relaxing in Hampsterdam before heading out to my friend's friend's place out in Leiden for the night. A third night of sleeping on the floor while sharing a room with 4+ other dudes was a serious blunder, as well as a strong no homo. Widustradamus' bold prediction: the next time you have to decide whether to use your sweatshirt as a pillow, blanket, or mattress, you are not going to sleep well.
The rising sun was celebrated by taking some doja al duomo and heading out in to sleepy Leiden to procure some funny fungi, a venture that proved quite successful. On the train ride in to the city, we began our consumption, and our hearts giggled with glee, though our stomachs grumbled grumpily and our mouths groaned, "gross!" (Chicks dig alliteration.)
My buddies had to check in to their hostel, which predictably was a disastrous yet hilarious affair. Their booking of course had gotten screwed up, so while they toiled to formulate cohesive sentences with the ladies at the desk I went and sat down on a couch to relax. Finally they had everything sorted out and went up to their room. After about 15 minutes of waiting for them I got worried, so I approached the desk and attempted a reconnaissance mission. It was pretty clear the conversation wasn't quite going to be held up on my end when I opened with the question, "Where did my friends go?"...as if they had any idea who I was or where I came from. They politely asked who I was talking about, but by then I had already decided to cut my losses so I told them "I'm just going to go back over here".

Unfortunately, I had a train ride to Dusseldorf to catch, so I had to depart prematurely. Widustradamus' bold prediction #2: the next time you chose to do shrooms and sit on a train for 2 1/2 hours, you will not have a fun time. All of my previous experiences with magical mushrooms have been absolutely stellar, each in its own way special, eye-opening, and simply awesome. This sojourn, dear readers, was no walk in the park. Not only was it not easy, it didn't consist of one, while all of my other shroom trips have (a walk in the park, I mean). Instead, it consisted of me sitting on my train paranoid out of my mind about: A) falling asleep and having my bag stolen, B) missing my stop in Dusseldorf, C) how the hell I was going to find my hostel, D) the angry Tiki-Dolls and bearded skull-pirates I was seeing in my jeans, and E) my reflection in the window that kept morphing in to a demented skeleton.

I dunno...could be a good look for me

I didn't freak out or anything, but I certainly was not very comfortable. Shrooms are a remarkable drug; the psychology behind them is truly astounding. Each time I had delved in to their world before, I had left, in my humble opinion, a greater person. There wasn't something I could point my finger to and put on display as a "Here, This is How I am Better" exhibit; it was just something I knew to be true. However, this experience, governed by a predetermined location and activity which I had no ability to change, was completely different. I had to be on that train, I had to be sitting in that seat, I had to watch my bag, and I had to get off at a certain time. It wasn't even as if I wanted to do certain things, yet was unable because I was on a train; I was completely devoid of any options whatsoever, so my mind floundered and simply hit a rut. While my first experience on shrooms led me to fill up an entire 50 something pages with random thoughts and doodles, this time was the complete opposite. I couldn't come up with anything that inspired me or even interested me. Because I wasn't having much fun, I harkened back to that first time and I tried drawing in my notebook to calm down. I had no idea what I was going to produce even as I sketched the first lines; I ended up drawing a rain cloud. It scared me, so I stopped.
Though certainly no expert, I have done shrooms enough to have developed an addage I pass on to any others who are doing them for the first time: "Don't have anything planned. You'll just do what you want to do, and that will be enough." Foolishly, I went against my own advice and found myself trapped. The result was less than desired. I had wisely eaten a smaller dose, resulting in an overall weaker-trip, so I didn't truly freak out and bite off my neighboors earlobe. But I didn't have much fun either. Lesson learned.
Arriving in Dusseldorf after three nights of awful sleep and coming down from my shrooms trip, my brain felt like a banana does when for some reason you thought it would be a good idea to keep it in your backpack all day like an idiot. I spent about 45 minutes wandering around in a mindless stupor, got the exact same three directions from people, consequently forgot them, and then finally find my hostel. I was extraordinarily ecstatic to find out that I had to wake up at 3:00 AM to catch a train out to Dusseldorf-Weeze, Ryanair's middle-of-nowhere-fucking-piece-of-shit airport.

She wasn't there.

After waking up after my fourth consecutive night of non-sleep, I wanted to kick a fucking panda in the fucking face, take a massive diarrhea in to the cavity where its cute little fucking dopey eyes used to be, and then send it to PETA with a note, "GARGUAGHGHGHGHG!!!!". But I didn't.
Humble readers, I hope you remember what I told you to remember at the beginning of the post. You see, at 3:00 AM on Tuesday morning, my stomach decided to kindly remind me that I hadn't taken a shit since at least Saturday night. This wouldn't have been all bad if I hadn't spent all of Sunday high. But, the bowl of Wok to Walk, a huge plate of chips and guacamole, and a gigantic bag of candy of epic proportions (not to mention a whole bunch of shrooms) was still sitting, nay, brewing, excellently in my stomach. A perfect storm erupted within my bowels at around 3:13, punishing my innards with immense ferocity, causing them to roil and quiver at its excruciating pangs. On the walk from my hostel to the bus station I had to stop twice altogether and grasp my sides, bending over in agony, seething through my teeth and brimming with fury at my pathetic anguish. At one point I actually looked around and wondered if anyone was still out at this ungodly hour who would catch me taking a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. But, nay, dear readers, I soldiered on! I made it to the bus in time, only to have the most godawful bus ride in the history of things that are godawful...45 minutes of my groin feeling like a concubine in Genghis Khan's tent: fucked, and hella pregnant.
Finally, in the most triumphant of triumphs, I made it to the airport and ran to the WC.

Fuck you, Dusseldorf-Weeze

That is all for now. Until another time...

Widukinds Diary Entry #28: the Adventures of Widukind Part 1

2009-11-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

No homo

Our hero hath returnedeth from his journey. Many of you may not even know of what journey I speak; simmer, humble reader, and let my silken words woven of venture, woe, and weather steer your hearts.

Taking a clue from (more like completely ripping off) one of my fellow and favorite internetz scribez0rz, I will allay to you some tales in pure diary fashion accompanied by pictures, in the form of which "Widukinds Diary Entry" has never seen.

This past week was my week-long winter break, allowing me time to leave the Eternal City that I have come to love and explore some of Europe's fine cities, nations, and people.
My first stop was Copenhagen, Denmark. A charming old place, Copenhagen is clean as a whistle. Each Dane seemingly owns like 8 bikes. It's kind of cool, but it's also kind of annoying when you're walking around and unwittingly amble in to the bike lane and hear some poor Danish person screech to a halt before slamming in to you on their bicycle. I find it incredibly entertaining simply because bike/pedestrian clashes have to be one of the more awkward things you could witness. I didn't actually see one, but try and picture it in your head and tell me that's not funny. As one would expect everything works to a tee there; even if the metro from the airport is late, they are kind enough to inform you en route, unlike the surly Italians who couldn't give two flying fucks. It's also absurdly expensive; fitted hats were "on sale" for $75. My buddy from Emory who I stayed with has a studio with one bed and a mini-kitchen that costs him $7,500 for the semester.
Of course, Copenhagen's pride and joy (no, not the fucking stupid mermaid), is Christiania. When you walk in to the "neighborhood" there are large signs that proclaim "You are now leaving the EU"...you're not, but I guess the Danish think it's cute so they let them play their little game. Inside is a big open-air market with tons of stalls selling any smoking device, accessory, or gimmick you could ever imagine. Of course, beyond those are the actual goods:

Look familiar? Actually, though?

There are literally guys standing behind stalls with weed and hash laid out with names and prices in front of each, in the middle of a city in which marijuana is illegal. It's a fucking trip. Not only that, it's incredible quality and it was probably the best deal we got during our entire stay in Copenhagen. Christiania, FTW.

Friday night was ruined when we met up with some "kids" from University of Richmond:

Yes homo

I put kids in quotations because I simply don't regard them as humans. I'm not even fucking kidding, we walked in to a room with ~20 of these dudes all sitting around drinking beer, without a single female present. My mind was boggled to an extent at which further boggling was no longer feasible. Wisely, me and a few friends decided we would rather sample our earlier purchases from Christiania and hit the proverbial hay. Luckily, my roomates in Rome from Richmond are actual Homo sapiens, unlike these blood-sucking douche-bags.
Saturday night was the infamous Sensation White festival, from which the opening picture of this entry originates. Not really much to say here; though I don't fux with hard drugs this was one occasion where I would have done so, responsibly of course, but they were harder to find than Steve Slaton in the FUCKING ENDZONE OMFG YOU ARE MURDERING MY FANTASY TEAM YOU FAT FUCKFACE. Given that it is Copenhagen all beers were $10, so the night was for the most part spent quite sober. However, it was still a blast. Ecstasy or cheap beer would have made it hyrogen bomb-esque, but c'est la vie.
Sunday I jetted out of lovely Denmark to Hampsterdam. Though it was raining when I arrived, it was good to be back. I arrived ahead of my roomates from Rome, so I met up with a few girls from my program and smoked at their hostel, the famous "Flying Pig". There I had the pleasure of meeting this guy Mack from Redwood City. I will fight legalization of pot until I die, but this is one guy that at least makes you stop and think. Given that I was quite blazed, his series of increasingly depressing answers to my basic questions made the conversation practically unbearable. He was home-schooled from 2nd grade through high-school, dropped out of LA Music School after one year because "fuck real school", and worked his "ass off" at his brother's plumbing company until he saved up enough money to take a break and go to Europe for a month. He went to London, then got to Amsterdam and had spent the rest of his time there. Which, though suspicious, I thought could be cool given that he could have gotten to know the city quite well and been able to see some things most in-and-out tourists don't...I thought all of this until he answered our question, "Where's a good place to eat?" with, "There's a Hard Rock right down the street that's really good." Three weeks in one city, and the one restaurant he could name was the Hard Rock cafe, even after we asked him again and told him we didn't want to eat at the fucking Hard Rock cafe. We also asked him for any cool bars we could check out (this was asked twice, slightly differently and at separate intervals in the conversation) and he answered the exact same way both times: "there are a few bars and clubs right around here that are pretty cool". "Right around here" was, reasonably of course, signified by a lazy raise of his arm and a lethargic twirl of his index finger.

Homo mackius

After finally shedding ourselves of this amicable cretin, we got some dinner and then walked in to a candy store. I can't remember the last time I had been in a candy store, much less high, and much less a mind-blowing Dutch candy-Valhalla. I was like a...like a...dung beetle in an elephant herd's fresh turd mound. Prolly the analogy I'm looking for. I didn't take a picture of my spoils, but I can assure you even the Namesake would have been proud of my sugared-coated exploits.

This post is expanding rapidly, so I shall pause here for now. The next chapter of my journey includes some magical entities finding their lovely way in to my stomach, albeit with quite uncomfortable results. Tune in next time for the continued European jaunts of Widukind the Fungivore.

Music link drop!

2009-11-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Alright, been a little slow on the blog recently. J's post gave me the idea of just throwing a few songs out there. You guys may like them. Given I'm the provider in this circumstance, though, my guess is they won't impress. In fact, Hartichoke should probably save himself the time and not listen. Definitely not his style.

But in case Electro has caught your fancy at all, here's a few songs. First, I posted this song already in the comments of John's, so if you already clicked the link then bravo, and you can just skip to the next video.

Duck Sauce is A-Trak and Armand van Helden. Two famous DJ's. A-trak is pretty nasty. Younger brother of one of the people in Chromeo. More on him later.

This next song you guys more than likely won't like. A bit weird but I'm pretty into it. A remix of La Roux's "I'm not your toy" by Jack Beats, a sick London-Based producer.

Alright the next two songs don't really have videos, but they're both really good. The first is A-Trak's remix of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Head's Will Roll." It's pretty nasty in my opinion. Here's the song via youtube:

Okay but that may not actually be the best remix of the song so far. John Roman, another somewhat well-known DJ, made his own remix. Have a gander:

Personally I think the first three minutes of John Roman are better, but his end isn't good. A-trak's is pretty good all-around.

And just for shits and giggles:

Hope fall is sick for all of you.

Ich bin ein Berliner.

where has this been all my life...

2009-10-30T12:15:00.001-07:00

it has been too long since my keystrokes have graced the pages of dahf. it doesnt mean that i dont love it, i am just a picky guy. someone who need something big to discuss and share. a small outfit from philly came out with an album this summer, and it is pretty bumpin'. here is the video from one of their singles "pon de floor". you may say that this video is crude, but to me it is one of the most educational that i have seen in years. next time i need to [which will hopefully be tonight..shwing] this instructional tape may come in handy. watch closely, you may miss something...

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

love you all. j

Come look at how good my pictures look...

2009-10-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

I've been uploading my pictures to Picasa.

I call the above, "What the fuck, dude?" from my growing album, "Italians Are Weird". Check it out if you know what's good for you and your momma.

Widukinds Diary Entry #27

2009-10-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

My dearest friends, it has been far, far too long. Now, now, let’s not get all huffy about it, and cut right to the chase.

Topic 1) I’m pretty sure that my invention of heated closets is probably about as good as it’s going to get. But, I really like this one: hot-tubs with massage chairs built in. I really don’t see why this would be so hard, or how it would not be absolutely awesome. If this was Imaginationland, I would propose the real cash-cow: build a hot-tub…with a massage chair…that sits in a hammock. I’m still working on the general physics to that one, so we’ll stick with the first idea for now. I’m really starting to put together my future house. So far I’ve got three absolute musts: heated closets, a hot-tub with massage chair, and a kebab grill machine locked and loaded 24/7 in the kitchen.

Topic 2) In my last post, I mentioned my quest to answer the age-old question, “what does the Pope do all day?”. Well, I haven’t gotten it answered, but I kinda forgot about it, too, so I’ll keep working on that. However, a burning set of questions that I have been able to answer are: “What kind of porn do Italians watch? Is there Italian porn? Or do they simply kick back with some of the magnificent cinematic triumphs of lovely San Fernando Valley, imbuing the unparalleled talent that constantly oozes from the area like lava from Mount Vesuvius, snaking its way down the slope, inflicting slow, painful and slightly erotic death?” Still with me? Good.

The answer (actually, the second one remains unknown) was provided to me by a friendly Italian student who works with our program named Vincenzo. Vincenzo is a funny guy. He looks like a Trekkie. The back of his head is extremely flat. While we were in Naples and a few of us were commenting on how much of a shit-hole the city was, Vincenzo said “They [Neopolitans] are all fucking savages” and, later asked when confronted with an exorbitantly priced cannoli: “Why don’t they [Neopolitans] all fucking die?” Quite a quotable character. But, on with the story. We were down in Naples and the Amalfi Coast on a school trip, of which 4 students were guys and about 20 were girls. Vincenzo was telling us how at one point on one of our lengthy bus rides, he had fallen asleep, and subsequently woken up surrounded by a plethora of beautiful American bzs. As he said to us, his first thought was, “Did I just wake up in a Bang Bros film?”

Question, answered.

Next in line: “Skype Sex…where do you point the camera?”

Topic 3) Lighting would fuck me up if I was some sort of tribal dude prancing around in a loincloth. Lightning and thunder. What would you think if you had absolutely no understanding of what lightning and thunder could possibly be? When you think about it, it makes perfect sense that mankind’s first reaction was “someone up there is fucking pissed.”

Topic 4) See above, but replace “lightning and thunder” with “volcano” and “up there” with “down there”.

Topic 5) I flew to Munich for Oktoberfest with four other kids from my program here. Of us 4, 3 had big things of contact solution, yet only 1 of us got stopped at security. On the way back, the people at Swiss Air noticed, but reminded me jovially, to “bring a smaller one next time!” On my way to Sicily this weekend, no one noticed. Today on my way back, they had me throw it out.

Europeans, stopping maniacal, explosive-jelly-wielding-21-year-old-exchange-student terrorists, one-third of the time!

Out like my ideas for this line right now.

Click for full-size picture...

2009-09-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

2009-09-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Deebster in action, volume two. Not sure what he was doing. The girl who looks like she just took a dump and it's squishing around in her jeans on the stool dated the Scurfus for hella long. I LMAONADED at that.

Out like the Giants being out of this thing!

Il Diario di Widukind #26

2009-09-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today I was sitting out in the calm Roman afternoon, enjoying a nice pezza di pizza and the best Fanta I have ever had (it always has been, is, and will be, better in Europe)…and I almost had to choke a bitch. The table was myself, my Italian “student companion” Silvio, one of my roommates and his girlfriend. The couple is from “outside of Kansas City” (good sign #1), and are very nice people. But then we asked our Italian friend if he’d even been to the states. He hadn’t. Then this happened:

Girl: If you go to the states, you have to go to Chipotle.

Silvio: What is it?

Girl: It’s a restaurant. They have the best burritos!

It’s been two sentences and I simply can’t take it anymore so I interject like the elitist North Californian I am.

Me: No. No, no, no, you need to come to San Francisco and get a real burrito.

Girl: They’re not really like real burritos though, they’re different. I think they’re better.

I was immediately reminded of these three posts. One: most people have no idea what actual Mexican food tastes like. And it’s a shame. Two: don’t pretend like you know what the hell you’re talking about when you clearly have no idea whatsoever. That would be like if Bill Simmons started writing about soccer. Oh, no, wait…fuck Bill Simmons. Three: I’m sure all of you know how badly I wanted to turn this girl and articulate my feelings. “They’re different”? What is that supposed to even mean? It’s a fucking burrito.

Of course, the exchanged continued with:

Girl: I get the burrito bowl.

I don’t even want to start with this one.

The best quote of the meal came immediately after the above statement:

Girl: It’s my favorite restaurant!

O_o

Note to self: never move to “outside of Kansas City”.

I’ll just turn the rest of this in to a little list of things I’ve picked up so far here.

People always talk about “culture shock”. I think the concept is beyond dumb. Pick up a fucking book before you go someplace, for gods sake. However, if any one thing were to have “shocked” me so far is how much dog poop is on the sidewalks here. No one picks up their shit. Where’s Gary when you need him?!

I used to think the phrase “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” was total BS because there’s clearly not. Now I realize that I am wrong; they’re all here. It first really hit me a couple of nights ago while we were out walking around Trastevere, a neighborhood with tons of bars and streets packed with people out enjoying the night. There are plenty of tourists around, but it is still mostly Italians. The women were gorgeous and bountiful. Suddenly, as we walked in to a plaza called Campo di Fiori, I noticed the talent had dropped significantly. Campo di Fiori is the center of tourist nightlife in Rome. Coincidence? Obviously fucking not.

Italian women are hot.

My school is literally a two-minute walk from the Vatican. I haven’t seen Benny Dicks yet, but I’m keeping an eye out. Also, I asked an Italian tour guide "what does the Pope do all day?" She explained that he has a lot of administrative duties to deal with because he's the head of the country. Yeah, a country of 900 celibate, non-drug taking, 80-year old dudes. "Il Papa! We ran out of Depends again! And Bob fell asleep in the middle of his sermon and had a wet dream and jizzumed all over the Pietà!"

And because I know Hartattack wants to know, while I’ve hit the town a bunch so far, the Deebster had yet to come out until last night. But he was being all grumbly in my tumbly; a pub crawl played the three rubs to the genies lamp, and he was unleashed:

Lookin’ saucy in my Dunkmans! Keep in mind I’m not trying to do the “rock on” gesture, but rather the Sign of the Horns. Never do that to an Italian dude. They will not be happy. That chick has had a boyfriend for four years and plans on getting married by the end of senior year. She literally rubbed her boobs in my face (Hi, Mom!); she clearly knew how to strike a chord with the Deebster. But, we didn't make out, so, you know, she wasn't like, cheating or anything.

Working on getting a webcam so I can Skype outta this bitch.

Out like American girls' chances of ever comparing to le ragazze d'Italia!

Fantasy Football Draft Review 2009 Volume 2.0 - By Claykwon the Chef

2009-08-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

Widukind's note: The illustrious mind of Claw Danielsen has actually decided to sack up (unlike another member of this blog) and write his own fantasy review. Unfortunately, he forgot his password, so I am posting it for him.

Not that I intend on taking the post draft preview crown away from our very own mini Mel Kiper, or sound like a pussy douche like Reggie, I just figured I could add something the blog I love so dearly. I also figured I could fill the void that Mikey forgot, my favorite, best pick worst pick!

I don’t know who is who so I’m just using the same nicknames that Mikey used.

Ho-Train: Team as a whole seems good. Brady is a stud, and the WR corps is good. Unlike Mikey I like Turner and don’t buy the too many touches last year argument because AP had more touches than he did, that said I think he will slightly decline but be good nonetheless.
BEST PICK: Your team is not that bad, but there are no picks that are really any better than the rest, if I had to pick I would say Lee Evans at 51. If not only for the fact that weeks 1-3 without Lynch the Bills will be passing a lot and he’s still got top end speed.
WORST PICK: Jake Delhomme is one of the worst QB’s in the league. He’s been bad for quite some time and after his horrific playoff game next year will be BAD. I bet Shaun Hill and Favre (Gay) do better than he does this year.

Mikey: A great team as always with a very underrated WR corps, obviously Fitz is a beast but Gonzalez and Moore aren’t big names but will both do very well, and I think Rodgers could be the number one fantasy player this year (given our QB heavy scoring system).
BEST PICK: Lance Moore with the last pick of the 7th round is an amazing steal. 4 picks after someone took Avery and 3 picks after Reggie took Cotchery makes the pick even Moore (pun intended) amazing.
WORST PICK: I hate to say it but Beast mode first pick of the 4th round for someone who is out for the first 3 games is just real risky, it could pan out, but you also have no BAD picks so that has to be your worst pick.

Myself: An amazing team with a legendary manager. MJD is going to ball hard this year. WOW!
BEST PICK: Reggie Wayne 4th pick of the 3rd round after Jennings and Boldin, who are both great, but mark my words will under perform Wayne.
WORST PICK: No bad picks although maybe slight reaches on White, Stewart, and Hester.

Dumbo: Alright team although slightly disappointing for a football enthusiast like yourself. I think you may be over-hyping Cutler, and I think Driver will start to show his age.
BEST PICK: The value wasn’t necessarily great but it is literally the only pick of yours I liked. So Andre Johnson at 14. I’m open to being wrong and I think I may be because there’s no way your team is that bad, but I honestly think your draft was quite bad.
WORST PICK: Welker ahead of Rodgers, Willie Parker is just bad and will lose carries and catches, especially in the red zone to Mendenhall.

John Bearcub: You went all Niner Faithful on me at 2 and got screwed by the autopick, and given that your team is not too bad. Peyton is the most automatic player in football and Gore will not live up to number 2 but will put up 06 type numbers this year.
BEST PICK: Eddie Royal. Everyday Brandon Marshall punts balls at training camp and admits to not learning the playbook your pick gets better. McDaniels loves to pass and with BMarsh acting like such a you-know-what he could do very very well. Honorable mention, Felix Jones was great value at 7 and with TO gone they will run more.
WORST PICK: Roy E Williams in the 4th. I understand he’s the number 1 in big D so I could be wrong, but he’s missed 21 games in the last 3 years and is notoriously lazy. I think Chad 85 would have been a much better pick.

RLame: You probably win the best name award and given everyone in the league makes fun of you that’s impressive. I REALLY like Rivers, Calvin, and Chris this year, and think they could carry your team.
BEST PICK: I like Run DMC this year especially because you stole him from me. With Russell being a you-know-what and DHB just being Al Davis’ wet dream (but not actually being good) they have to run and this is his first year as a starter.
WORST PICK: Obviously Cotchery. You took Cotchery ahead of Moore and Ray Rice. You’re Dumb.

Jacques Cousbro: I don’t really get that name at all; the link was too long so I didn’t read it. Your team is not very good post draft, although you’re a seasoned vet at fantasy sports in general so I bet you’ll make some good pickups and do just fine. Plus you have Vernon Davis, which makes your team the second coolest to you’ll find out later.
BEST PICK: Because like Mikey and every other football fan in the country I love the Texans this year I really like your Schaub and Owen Daniels picks, who will both build on strong 2008 showings. Had Matt not been injured he’s have thrown for around 4400 yards with 22-24 TD’s and I expect him to add to those numbers.
WORST PICK: Barber and Portis are both in position to lose some carries this year so we’ll see how they will do. Reggie Bush still has the potential of the 2nd overall pick and has shown flashes of brilliance but the question is how many games he will miss this year. A bit risky considering you have an injury prone QB also.
Judah Maccabi Goldensteinberg: Your starting QB is Eli Manning so unless you’re trying to get with Alex that is just fucked up. Besides Eli sucking Plax’s dick your 1-2-3 RB’s may be tops in the league.
BEST PICK: Call me un-original for choosing your first round pick but Matt Forte at 5 is a steal. He’ll be a threat for 2,000 total yards this year. STUD. Although I can’t say they were good picks because they play for the faghawks but I kinda sorta maybe like the TJ How is your mama? and JJ picks.
WORST PICK: Eli Manning is your starting QB in case no one got that there are only 12 teams in the league, and without Plax he’s just Peyton’s less funny awkward younger brother.

Kremdawg aka the poster child for the Pale Jews With Jungle Fever Fund: As Mikey stated there is no Internet in afrika so I’m not spending much time on your team because you probably won’t be reading this.
BEST: Moss, G Reg
WORST: BOWE

Max+B: I take back what I said to JMG about having the best 1-2-3, because I think that title belongs to you. Williams will decline but because Jake D sucks D they will run enough for him and Stewart to do well, and LT is 30 but will always get some yards and will put up near 10 TD’s.
BEST PICK: I hate saying it because I want him to pass the torch to AP but LT at 17 is an absolute steal. I’ve heard lots of people talking about taking him in the middle of the first. Speaking of middle of the first DW was great value at 8.
WORST PICK: I sound like a broken record but you took Avery ahead of Moore and Moore would have probably been your second best WR.

Heshen: You have the only team cooler than Marks because you have Mr. dark chocolate aka the big you-know-what aka black Jesus the one and only Mike Vick who even in pre-season made me go from 6 to 12 in about .02038 seconds.
BEST PICK: MIKE VICK. He couldn’t really be any cooler. I’ve been a HUGE fan of his since his freshman year in college but for some reason (even though I own two dogs) I think I may like him more now. Actual best pick is Stat Jacks namesake.
WORST PICK: Thomas Jones. Granted only LT has had more yards than him over the past 3 years but he is about to crash I think and having him as your number 2 back could be bad.

Baby Giraffe: I don’t want to jock you like Mark but your team is quite good. I’m slightly worried about Warners age because although he’s a HOF player he’s not age resistant. And with Ginn Jr, Brown, Ricky you just have WAY to much riding on the dolphins mediocre offense.
BEST PICK: Chad 85 I mean child please at the end of the 4th after Roy Williams…great pick. I also like Dallas Clark two and a half rounds after Witten (burn Alex)
WORST PICK: I’m not singling out one specific one, but having 3 starters from the dolphins is an issue that Mark must have not realized when he came on his keyboard looking at your team.

I finally took Mikel’s advice and wrote my own, although I finished at exactly 3:24 am so If it is written in snicklefritz English I apologize, I’m also SUPER tired for those who copy my drift.

Fantasy Baseball Playoffs ftw...

2009-08-27T14:49:00.001-07:00

Since the self-proclaimed fantasy guru just did another fantasy draft review, I thought I’d take this time to dissect the fantasy baseball season and offer some predictions for the fantasy baseball playoffs.

First off, I need to boost my fantasy ego more and the only way to do this is by quashing some of Widukind's pre-season predictions. In the interest of fairness, though, I should say that Widukind got many things right. A) You’re in first, and relatively deservedly so (although your hitting is average, you may have statistically one of the best pitching staffs ever). B) You basically predicted the top 5, although definitely not in the correct order (you predicted You, Mark, Me, Kremer Trevor, while the actual order is You, Me, Kremer, Trevor, Mark). With that said, here are a few of your more specific predictions that went terribly, terribly wrong.

1.To Lonny: “I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.” Besides the obvious point that Mauer was an absolute steal at 57, the guys you mention, especially Atkins, have had markedly down years. Did I mention Atkins sucks dyno dick? Ramirez is at least respectable. But Mauer, whoop, gooooooodddd pick lonny!

2.To me: “Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed.” And… “Getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.” Yeah so… Chris Davis sucks balls, and was my worst pick this year, but considering I still have the best offense in the league (look it up), you were very wrong about my team in general. Very, horribly, wrong. Pujols is God.

3. To Trevor: “Wainwright. I like him, but 86th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.” Yeah no, that was wrong. His line this year is Lincecum esque (he technically is more likely to win the Cy Young according to Cy Young predictor, but I’m expecting a no-hitter by the God himself this weekend against Colorado, so that’ll change).

Ahh, my ego feels so much better now. I really like the Mauer quote. And finally, in answer to Widukind's point about my so-called theft of Greinke: Your specific quote was you liked Jones and Greinke. I remember specifically mentioning I was iffy on Jones. I was correct. He’s really not having that great of a year when you take away the first two months. Fluke to me. I don’t believe I mentioned Greinke even. And I picked Greinke because he was to me, the next best player available. Considering the other people drafted in that round included Johnny Peralta, Jorge Cantu, Matt Wieters (bahahaahaha, he really needs to learn to wait back on pitches a little better, he’s getting destroyed by changeups and sliders) I think I made the appropriate pick.

Alright a quick review of the season just for the people who are making the playoffs.

Poo Taste Fart Tart
Considering you took hitters with you first 9 picks, and your hitting, although it looks scary, has been around league average for most of the season, your team should be bad. But your pitching is disgusting. Absurd. You’re leading this year in Wins, ERA, Ks, and QSs. Most by a pretty good amount. Even fucking Blanton is having a good year. God fucking damnit. And Kemp. I believe your line from two years ago was “I also got the real young Dodger talent (aka NOT Matt Kemp), James Loney.” Yeah Loney’s been good and all, but you were very, very wrong. I was right. Go fist yourself.
Best Pick: Carpenter and Jurrjens. Both are beasts. Getting them in the 15th and 16th were the second and third best steals behind getting Pujols 2nd overall.
Worst Pick: Bruce is the easy pick here b/c of the injury and the .207 average before the injury, but I don’t like picking someone who was injured b/c those are typically somewhat random. So your worst pick is Ordonez. God he sucks. And you blasted me for not picking Ordonez when I picked Chipper. Jeeze.
Best Pickup: Ubaldo Jimenez. Mr. Hands drafted him in the 19th and then dropped him. Considering how terrible his pitching has been, that was a crucial drop for him and a huge pickup for you. But you did drop Morales, which would have been a huge pick for you.

Queef Monster
Great team name… Moving on, I’ve had a good year but got killed by a few hitting and pitching categories. Considering I have statistically the best hitting team, it’s incredibly frustrating that I can’t get RBIs. So gheyyyy. And Quality Starts blows as a statistic (more on this later).
Best Pick: Derek Jeter in the 12th. I really didn’t have an astounding draft but Jeter falling to me in the 12th was huge. A top 15 hitter in the 12th?! Made up for a pretty lousy draft overall.
Worst Pick: Toss up really between Milledge and Davis. I’m gonna go with Davis though because he is a Devil who refuses to keep his head on the ball. And Milledge has actually come back somewhat nicely in the last two weeks. Boy, I really didn’t have a great draft looking over it. Good thing I’m a fantasy expert with my pickups!
Best pickup: Zobrist. Carried my team for a while. Wins best fantasy pickup of the year!!

Eliza’s Spicy Balls
You actually had a really bad draft, but you’re bright spots have really carried you. Berkman and ManRam were both obvious disappointments. Same with Dempster and Nolasco. Lilly and Aardsma have both been huge feathers in your cap, though, and your hitting has been completely carried by Ramirez, who’s just an amazing hitter, and Reynolds.
Best Pick: Reynolds in the 13th wins in a tie with Carpenter and Jurrjens for the best picks of the draft. He’s cooled a little bit but a really good year for him. But he might be retarded. He apparently said “I don’t see why the strike out is a bad statistic.” God you’re fucking retarded. This is a guy who has struck out 3 times in 5 ABs with the bases loaded and is hitting .232 with RISP with 59 strikeouts in 139 ABs. That’s not so good. I’m all for a guy who swings out of his ass on every pitch. But at least appreciate the negative effects of a strikeout on your team’s productivity.
Worst Pick: Ramirez is the obvious one, but you couldn’t have predicted the suspension. So my choice would be Ludwick in the 8th. Bad pick there.
Best pickup: You really haven’t had many good pick ups this year kremdog, but Aardsma was a great pickup. Throws very hard. Considering we traded him for Hawkins in 05, that goes on a growing list of terrible Sabean moves.

Blow My Meat Whistle
Considering you too have been noticeably absent this year from making a lot of moves, it’s not a huge surprise your team has fallen off recently. You are still statistically the best team in the league, but that is mainly front-loaded. That said, you’ve definitely been a bit unlucky. Your team is scary and you really love the Phils as Widukind pointed out in his post-draft analysis. You have statistically the 2nd best pitching led by the surprise Wandy (who I hate) and Wainwright. But you are going to need your hitters to perform better if you want to make it deep into the playoffs.
Best Pick: You had a lot of very good picks here, and you definitely win the award for best draft in hindsight. By a long shot. Werth, Ibanez, Johnson, Wainwright were all great picks, but Wandy in the 23rd is almost up there with Carpenter, Jurrjens, and Reynolds.
Worst Pick: Ramirez is an obvious one considering the injuries, but I’m gonna go with Guthrie. Not a good year for him, but he was a late pick so you didn’t lose out on much
Best Pick Up: Not many here. If you had paid much closer attention, you could probably have run away with the league. Montero was a good pickup I guess, although he’s definitely cooled.

Mr. Hands’ Team
Mark, it hurts me to say this because you are my mortal enemy, but your team scares me heading into the playoffs. Overall, your pitching has really let you down this year, but you’ve got a guy who looks to be heating up with 5 QS this month in Anderson and you have Cliff Lee who’s been making the NL his bitch for a while now.
Best Pick: You had by far the worst draft of those in competition. Your first 6 picks have all disappointed you in some way, especially Rollins. It’s remarkable you’re still around. Doesn’t say much for the rest of the league. But your seventh pick in Lee was huge, and you’ve really benefitted from his trade.
Worst Pick: All of your first 6. I’m even including Morneau even though he’s had a good year just for dramatic effect. Rollins sucks, Longoria is a god, but I think his wrist has been a real problem this year and even though he’s racked up the RBIs and Runs, that average is a killer. Webb, pbfffffffffffffffffffff, you reached for Ramirez, and McLouth isn’t good.
Best Pickup: Kendry Morales!!!! Makes up for dropping Ubaldo. He’s good. Finally an Angel’s prospect is reaching his potential!

Mark is Gay!
Your team is boring. Only people worth talking about are Verlander and Mauer.
Best Pick: Verlander and Mauer.
Worst Pick: Pretty much everybody else besides Halladay and Crawford. Oh but you traded Halladay for David Wright. That worked out well…
Best Pickup: Franklin and Feldman. Feldman apparently has the third best pitch in baseball behind Lincecum’s changeup and Kershaw’s fastball.

Playoff Predictions
Round 1

4. Eliza’s Spicy Balls vs. 5. Mr. Hands’ Team
This one may not be very close. Mr. Hands is having a good week pitching and it carries over into an 8-3 slaughter of Kremdog.

3. Blow My Meat Whistle vs. 6. Mark is Gay!
Trevor wins a close one 6-5 in a rematch of this weeks matchup, although neither team performs well.

Round 2

1. Poo Taste Fart Tart vs. 5 Mr. Hands’ Team
In a matchup of fantasy titans, the difference maker is Cliff Lee, who gets two starts against the Nationals and the Mets, dooming the Fart Tart, and providing yet another year of the season number 1 not winning a playoff game.

2. Queef Monster vs. 3. Blow My Meat Whistle
The Queef Monster prevails buoyed by two great starts from Sabathia against the Orioles and the Rays and Pujols beating up on the Brewers.

Championship
2. Queef Monster vs. 5. Mr. Hands’ Team
In a rematch of last years Semis, Queef Monster avenges his unfair defeat and prevails as League champion!!! Not sure why, but it happens!

1. Poo Taste Fart Tart vs. 3. Blow My Meat Whistle
I don’t really care who wins, but my intuition (read: hope) says Trevor!

As you probably can tell, my predictions are based off of countless analytical calculations I can make in my head in the blink of eye. They have absolutely nothing to do reckless guess and supreme desire. Absolutely nothing.

Finally, here’s my last point. I don’t like Quality Starts as a fantasy statistic. Before I go further, I must say this is entirely self-serving. Entirely. Now, moving on, I will start by saying QS is logically a great stat for fantasy baseball. It benefits the pitcher whose team might be subpar and who keeps getting shafted in the Win column, a la Matt Cain in prior years. This logic does transfer somewhat to reality as the team with by far the best pitching staff, Fart Tart, leads in this category by 3 QS. After that, though, logic goes out the door. The teams with the worst and second-worst pitching staffs, Poo Train and Tomahawkcock, are in second and third. Salad Tossers, who has an average pitching staff at best, is in fourth. My team with the third best pitching staff, judged primarily through era and whip, is in 9th. This has led me to believe that Quality Starts benefits the truly great pitching stuff (such as, admittedly, Fart Tart’s) that can start every pitcher, every start with very good results. But the fantasy manager who is forced to pick matchups because his pitching is good, but certainly not great, is fucked over by QS. A good fantasy manager with a good rotation could potentially compete in wins, era, whip, and strikeouts, but lose severely in QS. While a shitty manager who has okay pitchers, but doesn’t pick matchups so he starts every pitcher every time, might lose wins, era, whip, and strikeouts, but could win QS by virtue of the sheer volume of starts he has for his pitchers. This is annoying. Basically every time I look at the stats that show that Tomahawkcock with his 4.58 era (next closest is 4.15) and 1.40 whip (next closest is 1.35) has 19 more quality starts than I do (95 to 76), I nearly go into epileptic shock. Watch me lose the championship by only QS. That’s like someone losing the championship on double-plays or errors.

It’s not just the last part; this entire post is basically self-serving. Still, to the playoffs my friends!

Fantasy Football Draft Review 2009

2009-08-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

Note: Team names have been omitted due to lawsuit potential

Ho-Train

So “Fuck Tom Brady” ends up drafting Tom Brady. Real clever. Irony or not, you’re going to need Pretty Boy to pull another 2007 from his Gisele-punished ass for your team to stay afloat. Between Boldin, Evans, and Santana Row (I’ve never been there but I bet that place sucks), your WR corps are actually pretty good, though I’m not the biggest Moss-lite fan (look at me with the nicknames today!). I’m also not the biggest Turner fan, as I really see no way he repeats his 2008 campaign, and the number of carries is a worry. However, Atlanta looks to be a run-first squad again so he should be solid. Sproles as your #2 RB hurts, and besides Gates at TE, the bottom half of your squad is really weak. You probably won’t need him, but Delhomme’s shit pile of a playoff game last year seems like one of those career-altering days. Just awful.

What a team, what a team. I believe it was RJ who said in a huff something along the lines of “you always say your team is good”. Well, you dip tacos in ketchup, so I don’t have to listen to you. I see my WR as the weak point; they’re thin, and Lance Moore is already hurting. However, Larry Fitzgerald is the best player in football, and Anthony Gonzalez is the #2 WR for some dude who’s a little OK at throwing the football. Like taking a risk on A-Rod, I took a risk on Marshawn, but with Knowshon, Rice, and Donald Brown I think I’m pretty well covered. While they’re all involved in committees, all three seem to have the upper hand against their mostly underwhelming competition. Aaron Rodgers will have a big season barring injury, and Slaton is The Man on Houston’s emerging offensive machine (playoffs in 09). I’m hella good at this shit.

Claykwon the Chef

As expected, a solid team. Injury and Mike Vick aside, you can be sure Philly will throw, throw, throw, which makes McNabb a solid QB to take late. Roddy White in the 2^nd seemed a bit early, but pairing him with Wayne is a great 1-2 punch. I like MJD a lot, but I’m not sold on Stewart, Beanie, or Benson. The first two are hurt, Wells is having trouble holding off Tim Hightower (not a good sign), and even though he’s the only option in Cincy, Benson sucks and is severely injury prone. Stewart’s main downside is the injury, so if he gets over it he should produce very well, maybe even more than DeAngelo Williams. I don’t think Nate Washington will be very valuable at all, though I like Meachem’s upside. Why you took Trent Edwards as your #2 QB over someone like Matt Hasselbeck is bizarre. A McNabb injury could hurt. You certainly took some risks in this draft, but if you want to win that’s what you gotta do.

Dumbo

An interesting trend has seemingly taken over fantasy this year; the emergence of committee backfields has really affected how RB corps are being formed, and your team is no different. I don’t like Fast Willie Parker very much as a #2, but you have to believe someone from among Bradshaw, Johnson and McCoy will prove valuable. Who it is I have no clue, though McCoy has the highest upside, in my opinion. Another trend that continues with your team is the thinning availability of back-up wide receivers. Hixon and Camarillo do nothing to excite me, and given that Donald Driver is going to have to slow down some day, that could be an issue. Also, as I have stated I do not share your infatuation for Cutler. I think he should make the Bears better, but in terms of a fantasy option I’m not too psyched on his possibilities.

John Bearcub of the Shoshone

The computer really fucked you, though I’m wagering that Tim’s dick is bigger than a USB chord, so it couldn’t have hurt that much. Zing! I have no idea why it drafted you three kickers, and Jamal Lewis, Le’Ron McClain, and Willis McGahee are just terrible back-up RBs. However, with Gore, Thomas, and Fleet-Footed Felix, you should be fine. As with your RBs, I like your starting WRs a lot, but I don’t see any of your back-ups being valuable whatsoever. And of course, your QB is pretty OK at throwing the football. Besides the lack of a TE, your starting lineup is nice. But injuries could send your team the way of Yahoo! Autopick’s USB chord and Tim’s dick; straight in to the shit-hole. Given your amazing abilities to make numerous moves of little to no consequence, I can’t be too confident you’ll be bringing a trophy back to the rez.

RLame (lol)

Your team’s pretty OK. I like how right after I talked about how I was debating between picking Knowshon Moreno and Fred Jackson, you pick Fred Jackson. Way to keep the streak alive! I like Calvin Johnson and it’s scary to think what this guy could do with a real quarterback. But he doesn’t have one. But it doesn’t matter. Kevin Walter is the second receiving option on the playoff-bound Texans (driving my point home here), but I hate Jerricho Cotchery. I think it’s because he’s got such a great first name and such a terrible last name. That’s like your name except without the great fist name. I love your second CJ, and McFadden should produce in Cokeland. Ward I’m kinda “meh” on, but he should produce. I don’t like any of your back-up WRs either; it may sound sacrilege, but I seem to be the only Niner fan leery of Josh Morgan’s sudden rise to “#1” receiver.

Jacques Cousbro

Your team has about as much upside as any of your lady “prospects” for the last…six years. Zing! The only guy who could really step up is Schaub. If he puts together a full 16 games for the playoff-bound Texans his numbers could be great. Check out the 2009 Wild Card Texans’ ridiculous cheerleader profiles. That’s dedication. And pervy. If I was 13 I’d probably JO to those. What? Moving on...Portis was damn productive last year, but I don’t see it happening again, at least to that extent. Ladell Betts should make some noise in the Redskins backfield this season. Barber once again has Felix Jones to share carries with, and Bush and Graham don’t seem to have much upside. Maroney is just garbage. I actually think Braylon Edwards could be good this year, for whatever reason, and Colston is the man. But Coles is old and Maclin will not produce. I also don’t like Chad Pennington as a back-up. I think his numbers could drop significantly this season. The Dolphins are gonna suck. Just because I said so.

Judah Maccabi Goldensteinberg

Eli Manning is your quarterback. That would be like some egregiously retarded idiot choosing Bengie Molina to bat cleanup for an entire season. It’s not going to work. Even worse is Joe Flacco as a back-up; that’s like if some terribly mentally deficient vegetable blinked twice to say “yes” when his assistant asked if he wanted to start Edgar Renteria for a whole season at shortstop. It’s also not going to work. Ugh. Your receivers are good, though I’m not as high on Whosyomomma this season. I think he’ll produce, but he’s getting old. People keep waiting for Vincent Jackson to really break out, but I don’t think he’ll ever be that much better than last season (which is still very good). Forte is good and the addition of Cutlers arm should keep defenses honest; I like him to back-up his huge rookie season with another excellent campaign. Grant is the guy in Green Bay, but I can’t feel too good about him and Julius Jones being your #2 and #3 RBs. A lot of people like Shonn Greene’s chances, as do I. I also think Dustin Keller will outperform Kellen Winslow.

Kremdawg aka the poster child for the Pale Jews With Jungle Fever Fund (of which I am a proud member!)

I like your receivers a lot; in fact, I think they’re the best in the league, considering you have four capable starters. I’m not as high on Bowe or Marshall, but I still think they’ll be very good. However, your running backs give huge cause for concern. If he could stay healthy Brian Westbrook would be considered one of the best overall players of the past decade, but he can’t. Considering you have Joseph Addai and Sammy Morris as your other two backs…well I don’t even need some wacky metaphor for this; that really, really sucks. I like Carson Palmer this year, but in order to really compete you’re going to need to pray for an Adrian Peterson injury and Chester Taylor taking control of the Minny backfield. Other than that, well…you’re fucked.

Max+B

If your team and Kremer’s team made like you and Kremer in real life and made sweet, sweet, love and produced a child, it would be an unstoppable fantasy force. Tony Romo No Homo will again put up big numbers in big D, and Tony Gonzalez has one more stellar year in him. No way DeAngelo Williams puts up the monstrosity that was his second half last year again, but the Panthers should run and run some more yet again. I’m actually one of the LT supporters this season; Turner likes to run, and he’s simply one of the best running backs in NFL history. A Shaun Alexander-esque plunge would startle me, and having him as your #2 is a luxury. Additionally, Kevin Smith, playing for the 6-win 2009 Lions at the flex spot provides even more insurance. However, your receivers are abysmal. No way Antonio Bryant repeats, Holt is aging and in a run-first scheme, and Michael Jenkins just shouldn’t be starting for anyone’s fantasy team. The absence of a receiving corps will sink your team.

Heshen

Remember when you left the beautiful McCloud River, its copious amounts of trout and ridiculously powerful weaponry a day early so you could go home and see your girlfriend with whom you had spent the entire summer already? Remember that? Yeah, that sucked. Your team is pretty ok though; Brees is a monster, as is Steven Jackson. I don’t like Thomas Jones too much and LenDale White won’t score 15 touchdowns again, but they’re both decent options. What really boggles my mind is that all three Patriots running backs got drafted. WTF? Your receivers are solid if unspectacular. Barring injury I see TOs worst season total numbers to date, though he should still produce well. I still think Santonio Holmes’ stock is a bit inflated post-Superbowl catch, but he should improve on last years numbers. Like everyone else I can’t wait to see what the Eagles do with Michael Vick; could he be the first multi-position player in fantasy football? Or will Chad Ochocinco beat him to it? How exciting!

Aaachiebubby

Not sure how you did it, but you came out of the draft with a pretty danged good team. Roethlisberger’s 2007 seems like it’s more of an aberration than the norm for him, but he’s a nice backup option to the elder statesmen Kurt “Thank you Jesus!” Warner. Ronnie Brown disappeared in the second half last season, and despite Ricky Williams’ presence they’ve said they want to make sure he gets the rock often. The Williams pick in itself was a bit early, but you did a good job to handcuff the brittle Brown and also were able to compensate for it by grabbing Mendenhall late. Your receivers are solid as well; Jennings will put up big numbers again and a motivated Ochocinco will do his best to make people forget about last season. Dallas Clark is always a steady producer. I don’t see Mason and Henderson being particularly valuable, but as we’ve seen this seems to be the trend for most back-up WR options this season, at least at the outset.

Post Draft Rankings (I’m not really sure how I decided on these. Literally, I don’t have any idea other than putting myself first for obvious reasons, Archie second, and Clay third.):

1. Me

2. Archie

3. Clay

4. Harrison

5. Alex

6. Mark

7. Ilan

8. Max

9. RJ

10. Ho-Train

11. John

12. Kremer

End of season prediction:

1. Me

2. Clay

3. Mark

4. Alex

5. Archie

6. Harrison

7. Max

8. Ilan

9. Ho-Train

10. RJ

11. John

12. Kremer (there’s no internet in Africa)

If you don't like it...write your own!!!

2009-08-14T15:34:00.001-07:00

The Future...

2009-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Something I’ve been thinking about lately, and, not to rip off the Widukind here, but I figured I might do a small post somewhat similar to his “diary” style.

Back to harping on my point about how awesome the future is going to be, I’m convinced we aren’t very far off from a car that can drive itself. In fact, I think the only reason such a car doesn’t exist already is those in charge are worried such a large/expensive project might not actually sell because, in general, people seem to like to drive. Now, I, like many different people, enjoy driving at times. But, I think a car that could be completely driven by itself whenever you so desired, would be awesome. The technology for it can’t be that hard to develop from what already exists. It would probably have to be some combination of the current “laser-guided” technology used in military missiles, with adaptive cruise control, with links into a city’s traffic control. As it is already, adaptive cruise control can stop a car by itself if it senses an upcoming object and it thinks the drive won’t react in time (new Volvo), can tell when a car is merging into its lane and it needs to slow down, and can speed back up to a desired speed when it senses the lane ahead is completely open. Laser-guided missile technology can lead a missile from hundreds of miles away to a target within inches. Tapping into a city’s traffic control would be necessary to determine when the car is approaching a red light, as well as where traffic exists, so the car could possibly avoid it.

This technology can’t be that far off. I mean autopilot can essentially completely fly a plane by itself with the exception of the takeoff and landings. Imagine how useful this technology would be. Whenever you are tired of driving, you just punch in the address of where you want to go, lean back, and rest while your car takes you to your destination. The car would even be able to go faster than a normal car, because of the computer control. This type of car would eliminate drunk driving and sleeping accidents, two of the most dangerous aspects of human life. Hell, you could install a bed in the car, and tell the car to drive itself while you get in a nice nap. In addition, such a project would require some installation of certain features in every city and on every highway to facilitate the driving. Such a large scale project would create a ton of jobs and could create an economic boom like nothing before.

I’m sure people are going to find fault with this idea, and say it’s stupid and would be too expensive. But I have to believe that when I’m 50 years old, there will be cars that drive themselves. And someday its gonna be like iRobot. No joke. But not in a bad way. Just with Robots that are helpful.

And you’d never have to worry about parking. You could just get out where you need to go, and tell the car to park itself. Then tell it to meet you back at the location when you’re ready to go. The possibilities are endless…

I will end this post with a list of status updates from the girl HomelessNigg is currently hooking up with and the reason he missed out on Saturday. I should say I did not compile these myself, I merely received them in an e-mail from my good friend Owen no less than 15 minutes ago. Mark, this is your punishment for posting a picture of me almost exactly a year ago with the title DoucheGuy. I told you I would have my vengeance. Enjoy:

Lindsay Burdette random fits of butterfliesSun at 5:34pm · Comment · Like

Lindsay Burdette to the classy CAL fuck that yelled "nice ass" out his car window on the way by: 1 that's why you go to Cal 2 that's as close as you'll ever get.August 6 at 3:14pm · Comment · Like

Lindsay Burdette exchanging the life I planned for the one that's been waiting.August 5 at 10:27pm · Comment · Like

Lindsay Burdette times this good should be illegalAugust 3 at 9:44pm · Comment · Like

Lindsay Burdette incandescently happy ;-)July 29 at 1:41am · Comment · Like

Oh and this link is completely unrelated but I thought it was funny. Ginger! Ginger!: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/06/the-pain-of-being-a-redhead/?em

Widukinds Diary Entry #25

2009-07-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

Would it make a difference?

We like to think we're above animals. We call people who are doing things unbefitting of a person "an animal", even though all of us are animals in the first place. We think cats are retarded because they think scratching on doors makes them open. We think dogs are retarded because they eat their own shit (seriously, I watched Ned's dog eat its entire shit the other day right off the lawn, hot off the press...the fuck?).
But what if we were put in their place?

Allow me to elaborate. Say, when you were about one years old, just a squirmy little sapling writhing around in your blanky, face scrunched up, drool hanging from your mouth and diaper filling up with dookie, you were suddenly taken, bought even, by an alien race. Your new foster parents whisk you away to their distant home planet, and set you up in their house like a brand-new puppy. Just like a pet, you are constantly and irrevocably coddled; you have an over-sized pillow-like bed, with plenty of comfortable blankets. Your owners have a mix of food, grains, fruit, etc., that they feed you regularly every day. When you do something stupid they get angry, but you learn they'll forgive you in five minutes if you just suck their jagon or whatever appendages they may have. Maybe they even have a box of Gushers for when you're really good.

But here's the catch; the alien species with whom you are living operate on a completely different level than humans. What that technically means is not quite relevant here; it is assumed that since their cranial capacity is so beyond ours, the human mind would never be able to truly comprehend their issues. On top of that, and this is the real kicker, this species' linguistic capabilities are utterly unattainable by humans. Whether they have a different type of vocal chords or they communicate telepathically or whatever, someway or another absolutely, positively, no human would ever posses the minutest physical capacity necessary to communicate with them.

We know what we're capable of when we live together and are able to pool the powers of our respective minds; nuclear bombs, landing on the moon, nugget porn, La Taqueria tacos...the list goes on. However, these things all develop from (relative) necessity and our amazing linguistic ability. Yet as an alien's pet, you wouldn't need anything, and you would possess no semblance of formal language. How could you be affected by the fact that you had no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to speak your mind to, no one to joke with, play with, fight with, etc., if you had no idea those types of relations were even possible? How would your brain develop as the abstract-thinking machine it is meant to be if it had no media with which to do so? How incredibly stunted in general would your brain be?

Let's expand the hypothesis just one more step. What if, one day, some years in to your captivity, your owners leave the house and you find an opening to the outside world. Like a curious little kitten, you slink out, eyes wide and heart racing. Suddenly, out in the open, you come across another human pet that has also escaped from his or her neighboring home.

What. The. Fuck.

I have no idea where to go from there, but I can only imagine that after seeing another human after never even beginning to comprehend that another one existed, the rapid accumulation of the cacophony of severely ingrained emotions would come close to blowing my head apart. I find this potential meeting incredibly gripping. While I do believe that humans would be much less impressive as sentient beings if they were raised by a superior alien race, our brains are clearly far more advanced in nature than those of a dog or cat. If someone was able to pull an experiment like this off, how fucking fascinating would it be to observe these first encounters? Would the two humans moan like cats do, piss on the floor a bunch, and run away? Would they fight? Try and do each other? Develop some bizarre territorial ritual long-lost from the times of Cro-Magnons? Considering you would still possess all of your inherited genetic qualities, what do you think you would do?

This has been an issue and topic of discussion that has been eating at me like Neds dog eating its own shit. Entirely. Off the lawn. Right after it pooped it out. So I hope you enjoyed. I would love to hear some additional thoughts on the matter.

Out like did I mention that Neds dog ate its own poop? The whole thing? Steamy hot from its own butt? Holy shit.

Daniel Merriweather ft. Wale on Jimmy Poo

2009-07-15T10:51:00.001-07:00

Mid-Season Fantasy Review

2009-07-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Jesus most likely poking at one of his massive lips

Another season with the Giants 10 games above .500, another mid-season fantasy review.

Wait, what? Now that's a statement I can fux wit.

Here’s the link to my post-draft review. As per usual I stand by all my analysis. If you want to bring up some of my egregious errors (coughKRODcoughMauercoughfjiabnsu), that’s fine, but there’s plenty of impressive foresight in there, too. So suck my balls.
Below is a chart of what our league would look like if we did Rotisserie scoring. For all the nublets: if you have the most HRs in the league, you get 12 points, second most gets 11 pts, etc. It’s just a different and slightly more accurate way of evaluating how good one’s team is, especially when compared with head-to-head. It’s pretty interesting (the computer I'm using is awful so this might get screwed up):

The standings in rotisserie are surprisingly definitive; Trevor’s team is excellent, Kremer’s is great, RJ’s is good, Me, Mark, and Baxter’s are solid, and Harrison’s is fucking terrible. Then there are the rest of you in the ever-exciting competition of “The-Team-That’s-Just-Not-Quite-Terrible-Enough-To-Just-Not-Quite-Make-The-Playoffs”! Hoo-ray! Sorry, but I don’t think they make a trophy for that one. For what it’s worth, the TTTJNQTETJNQMTP-Award race is ridiculously close. I anticipate its result with general apathy and a relative lack of zeal. I was actually quite dismayed to find that young Paduan Hart is getting quite lucky, and really the only one truly benefitting from the head-to-head style (the column on the right hand side shows the variance between hypothetical rotisserie standings and the real-life H2H standings). You're battling for a playoff spot when you really have no right to be. Get your nose out of Baxter’s ass, you pervert. Other than that, the standings are relatively fair.
Some interesting observations:
-For the most part, steals and runs seem to correlate, except in the cases of ZMath and the Bubster, who's relative SB and R scores differ immensely.
-Quality starts seems to be a fair 6th category. One would assume that it would go hand-in-hand with wins, but by simply looking at it I can't see how it's any different than the correspondence between wins and ERA or WHIP
-John is first in quality starts but last in ERA and second to last in WHIP.
-My team is grossly underperforming offensively. Look out in the second half, baby!

For my next trick, I thought I’d see how much of an effect Albert Pujols has had on RJ’s fantasy team this season. There are 32 first basemen owned in the league, so I picked the median, Paul Konerko, and saw what would happen to RJ’s total stats and rankings if Terminator T-82394042 got injured for the season, the universe subsequently collapsed, and RJ had to replace him with just an average Joe. In lab report form:

Hypothesis: Pujols=amazing.

Data:

Analysis:

Result of replacing Pujols with Konerko, with respective drop in Rotisserie rankings:
- Lose 33 runs = 4th place to 8th place (-5 points)
- Lose 16 HR = 4th place to 7th place (- 4 points)
- Lose 27 RBI = 5th place to 10th place (-7 points)
- Lose 10 steals = 3rd to 4th place (-1 point)
- Lose 17 points total (99 to 82) = tied with Ilan for 6th place instead of sitting comfortably at 3rd
Calculating the difference in OPS and AVG over a total season would be too hard, but given that Pujols has 30 points in AVG and .310 in OPS on Konerko, it’s safe to say that RJ would be in 7th instead of sitting comfortably in 3rd (in a Rotisserie set-up).

Conclusion: Pujols=Yahweh.

I hope the inner-nerd in all of you enjoyed this. I don't think I'll ever write anything with so many numbers in it again in my life, but hey, like I said...I'm a guru. It's my duty to disseminate knowledge, and destroy ignorance.

Good luck to everyone for the rest of the season.

Oh, and I'm still pissed about the whole veto fiasco. Douchbags.

Click for full-size picture...

2009-07-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

2009-07-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Baseball Seasons of All Time

2009-07-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

Haven’t posted in a while, but a few discussions I’ve had with hartichoke and claw in the last few weeks have got me thinking. So I’ve come up with my own top 10 list: the top 10 seasons for an individual player in modern baseball history. I’ve included a few caveats: first, I haven’t really defined the term modern, but I don’t include anything before Ruth, mainly because it’s impossible to compare stats between that era and the current era; second, I’ve kinda shied away from naming pitchers, mainly because “good” pitching statistics have changed so much within even the last 20 years, so it’s a little hard to compare seasons. Still, I named a few pitchers simply because their numbers were impossible to ignore. Third, every player only appears once on the list. Lastly, I didn’t take into account the player’s team performance, but part of me feels that matters when one defines a “good” season.

1st. Ted Williams, Boston Red Sox, OF – 1941 Season
First off, fuck me for picking a Boston Red Sox as having the best season of all time. Secondly, fuck me for picking this season over Bonds ’01 season as a Giants fan. Basically, though, it comes down to age. Williams’ absurd season occurred at the age of 22. Jesus fucking Christ. Here’s the basic info for Williams’ season:

Okay, yes a few of Bonds’ seasons had better numbers than Williams. But, Ted Williams at the age of 22 hit .406 with 37 home runs, leading the league in both categories. Oh yeah and he walked 147 times and only struck out 27. First off, that’s a ratio of 5.4 walks to strikeout, and that also means he hit more home runs than strikeouts. That fact alone is worth his placement atop this list. I just imagine if a player in this day in age put up those numbers when he was 22. People were pooping themselves when Pujols hit 37 home runs as a rookie, but he only hit .330. Some people think Mauer could hit .400 at some point in his career, but Mauer will probably hit around 20 homeruns in a year once or twice only, with far more strikeouts. The concept of a player who could hit for such a large amount of power and hit for such a high average at such a young age is unbelievable to me.

2nd. Bob Gibson, St. Louis Cardinals, SP – 1968 Season
Had to put this season here, ahead of Bonds, because a pitcher needed to be No. 2. No doubt in my mind this is the greatest season a starting pitcher has ever had. Here are the stats:

The obvious number to look at here is the ERA. 1.12. I will shit my pants if anyone ever approaches this number during our lifetime. The complete games, shut outs, and strike outs are all pretty sick too, but they’re somewhat hard to compare to current numbers. That ERA, though, is pretty unbelievable.

3rd. Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants, OF – 2001 Season
Just look at the numbers, because no one’s ever going to come close to them again:

They speak for themselves. He may have been on steroids, but those numbers are undoubtedly the best flat out stats of all time. Numbers wise, you really can’t top Barry. The scariest part about these stats is from a technical standpoint this was Barry’s third best season. But it’d be stupid not to include the 73 home run season. On a slightly related note, Barry was walked intentionally 120 times in 04. 120 times!!! That’s almost once a game. Martyr

4th. Babe Ruth, New York Yankees, OF – 1920 Season
The only season to even come near Barry’s season from a statistical perspective:

As much as I love Barry, it’s hard to imagine a player who changed a game more than Ruth. Jesse made the comment that Bonds was the best player of all time because of how much the other team worried about him constantly, but I have to imagine it was even more the case for Ruth. He was putting up basically the same numbers in an era when the home run wasn’t even a big deal. Hell, they were recycling old balls in games at this time. I still think Barry’s a better player for the full package he offered over the course of his career (and don’t give me that fucking Ruth pitched shit, that part of the game was incomparable to now; Barry would have pitched if he had played in that era) but Ruth was better for his era.

5th. Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox, SP 2000 Season
Honestly, I completely forgot about this season. Mainly because I was too young to really pay attention to numbers, or because I wasn’t a fantasy god at this point. Either way, when I stumbled upon the numbers for this season I was blown away. You could definitely make the argument that this season was better than Gibson’s season.

The really absurd numbers here are the ERA+ and the WHIP. .737???? OMGzz Fantasy God. The strikeouts to walk ratio (8.875) is naice and the strikeouts per nine innings (11.8) is out of this world. You kinda forget how good Pedro was at his height. Throwing 98 with that much movement??!! He has double-jointed fingers, which means he can hold on to the ball longer than a regular pitcher, giving the ball an absurd amount of movement despite the high velocity (general rule of thumb is higher velocity, less movement because you throw “through” the movement, that’s why pitchers who are able to combine velocity and movement, a la Tim Lincecum, are so special). And that changeup? People used to talk about it moving an entire plate and falling off the table. Everyone’s talking about how Strasburg’s ability to combine high 90s to 100s velocity with movement is unprecedented in our lifetime. Fucktards. Pedro had the same velocity (dude used to hit 99) and more movement less than a decade ago. Everything current is over hyped (more on this point later).

6th. Joe DiMaggio, New York Yankees, OF 1937 Season
Gotta rep the San Francisco guy here. DiMaggio’s season, similar to Williams’ season, gets moved higher up the list a bit because he was only 22 and it was only his second year.

This season doesn’t quite look as unbelievable as some of the other seasons, mainly because of the lower walk totals leading to a lower OBP and OPS. The reason for these lower totals was the man behind DiMaggio for most of the year: Lou Gehrig. Gehrig won the MVP in 1936, and in 1937 he had almost as good a year as DiMaggio, with actually higher OPS and OPS+. You weren’t going to walk DiMaggio to face Gehrig. That definitely helped DiMaggio’s power stats, but it hurt his walk stats. Still, this was a pretty unbelievable season.

7th. Lou Gehrig, New York Yankees, 1B 1927 Season
I’m gonna say it right now, and many people are going to disagree. Lou Gehrig needs to be in the discussion with the best hitters of all time. He ebbed and flowed a little bit more than some of the other people in the discussion, but if he doesn’t get sick, he hits over 600 home runs, if not more, with a near .340 career BA, around Ted Williams’ average. He got sick when he was 34. Most players played until they were 40 or 41. Oh and he put up the numbers he put up while playing every game, every day. The “Iron Horse” was way sweeter than Ripken.

Good good numbers. Comparable to any other season ever.

8th. Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves, SP 1994 Season
Mad Dog fucking shoved. No one really remembers how good he was, but he was so fucking sick.

He even struck people out at a pretty good rate in 1994. That ERA and ERA + are pretty disgusting, so is the low, low walk total. Smartest player ever to play the game.

9th. Sandy Koufax, Los Angeles Dodgers, SP 1966 Season
Go Jews. No but seriously, best Jew ever. This season was pretty disgusting. He actually had four seasons in a row that might have been the best four years for a pitcher ever. He won Cy Youngs in 3 of the 4 and would have won in all 4 if he didn’t get injured and pitch only 223 innings that year (“only”).

Even in an era when pitchers threw more innings than they do now, Koufax threw a lot of innings. Apparently, in one game during this year, Sandy (who only had two pitches) threw a curveball in the second inning that bounced in the dirt. After the pitch, he called the catcher out to the mound and told him that his arm hurt to much to throw any more curves, so he was just gonna have to throw all fastballs today. He pitched a complete game shutout with 8 strikeouts. Oh yeah, and during the four year stretch when he was so good, he couldn’t straighten his arm for the last two seasons. Given that knowledge, it’s not surprising he retired after the 1966 Season. Still, besides maybe Barry Sanders in the NFL, I can’t think of another player retiring after the four best years of his career.

10th. Willie Mays, San Francisco Giants, OF 1954 Season
Fuck yeah Giants. I’ve included this season to illustrate my final point of this post: Willie Mays is the best player of all time. First the stats, then I’ll explain why they’re special:

This was Willie’s first season back from the War in Korea, and it was definitely one of the best. Basically, Willie missed nearly two years in the prime of his career, yet he still hit 660 home runs. Over the course of his career, Willie hit approximately .22 home runs per game. In the nearly two years willie was gone, he missed 266 games. Assuming he kept his lifetime average for home runs, Willie could have expected to hit around 59 home runs in those missing games, meaning he would ended up with 719 home runs for his career, breaking Ruth’s record. That’s a low estimate, though, because over the four years following his return, Mays’ hit home runs at a clip of about .27 per game, meaning he would have been expected to hit around 71 home runs in the 266 games he missed. Therefore he would have been expected to end up with around 731 home runs for his career, destroying Ruth’s record. Basically, if Mays doesn’t go to Korea for a pointless war (fuck Korea) Mays breaks Ruth’s record.

Honorable mentions: Jimmy Foxx in 1932 or 1938, Nolan Ryan in 1973, Ichiro in 2001, Albert Pujols in 2008, Ken Griffey Jr. in 97 (sick season), Mickey Mantle in 1957 (probably the one most deserving of the honorable mentions), Ricky Henderson in 1990 (the year he did everything, not just steal), Eric Gagne in 2003, Mark McGwire in 1998, Randy Johnson in 2004 (not an unbelievable statistical year, but he had a 20 strikeout game and a perfect game in the same year…at the age of 40), Alex Rodriguez in 2007, Willie McCovey in 1969, and Stan Musial in 1948 (another very deserving year).

In the end, I think if the question was asked who was the best hitter in their prime, the only people worth discussing are Mays, Ruth, Williams, Gehrig and Bonds, with the caveat that Bonds isn’t included in this group if he doesn’t take steroids. I don’t think Pujols is in the discussion yet. The numbers he puts up are good, very good. But he is a model of consistency more than the potential best player of all time. Mays put up similar home run numbers, with around the same average, but much more steals in his prime. Ruth put up higher power numbers and a higher average in a dead ball era. Williams put the same power numbers but with a higher average. Gehrig had a higher average and the same power numbers too. And Bonds, well Bonds had the best numbers of anyone ever. That said, Pujols has a real chance to have the best year of his career this year. His previous best year when you focus only on home runs and average is 06 when he hit 49 home runs and had a .331 BA., almost exactly the same as Bonds’ best year pre-steroids (1993). This year he could conceivably hit for the same average but with 50+ home runs, putting him in the discussion for best hitter in their prime. As it is know, though, I don’t even think Pujols is the best Cardinal hitter in his prime: I’d take Stan Musial.

The reason I’d still say Mays is the best player ever is he put up those ridiculous numbers while missing two years, as mentioned previously, but also while playing most of his best years at the Polo Grounds, where it was 483 to center. He it 51 home runs without being able to hit a home run to centerfield (literally, no one ever hit a home run over the centerfield wall in the history of the polo grounds). I have to imagine he had at least a few deep flyouts that would have been gone other places, but you can’t really think about that. And he was sick at defense. And he stole bases. Sick.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKEL!!!!

Widukind Diary Entry #24: A Brief History of Man

2009-06-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

Parts Sold Separately. Available at your local Wal-Mart.

Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? Who was the first dude with enough balls to come up with the idea of riding a fucking elephant? How come Shia LeBouf gets all the girls? How come I keep losing all my shit?
Other than the last one, I don't have any answers (which would be:"I'm an idiot"...seriously though, aren't these kinda things supposed to come in threes? Fuck.) But it's sure fun to talk about.
Recently I've been caught up with the thought of the continuing survival of mankind. Most people seem to be convinced that we're all gonna die pretty soon. That's the way nature works. Polar ice caps melting, nuclear winter, meteor; somehow, we're fucked. But what if none of that happens? Or, it at least doesn't happen for a very, very, very long time?
Humans aren't like any other species that's existed on this planet. Dinosaurs did not have condoms (imagine what the herp on a Brontosaurus' vajine would look like). The Dodo did not have modern medicine. Or government. Or agriculture. Or science. Or boobs. What if, just what if, human civilization sticks around for another million years or so? And by this I don't mean I Am Legend/The Road sticking around, I mean serious cooperation and advancement; no devastating natural disasters or war, no eat-your-balls-and-then-your-face bacteria. Some how, some way, we just persist.
What would we look like? Sound like? What would we do for fun? How hot would teh babez0rz be?
Because Stephen Hawking hasn't discovered how to get through wormholes yet (seriously Steve-O step up your fucking game), we have no way of answering these questions. But a question I think is very interesting to think about is, if humans continued for a million years just like we have for the last 200,000 or so, how the hell would you go about explaining the history of the human race? Even weirder, how the hell would you go about comprehending the history of the human race?
How fucking nutty would it be if 200,000 years from now, some dude is sitting on his "couch" watching a "television" show that depicts our way of life in the year 2009 in the same manner that the life of the earliest Homo sapiens sapiens is depicted to us? What if most of what is happening now, or has happened since say, the Ancient Greeks, is forgotten and looked over? It could be that the only information that survives is how we got kinda fat and actually dropped nukes on each other this one time. What if Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen is the new Cro-Magnon cave paintings? Whoa...
It seems crazy to think that everything that happened in the past 100, 1,000, or 10,000 years could eventually be summed up in one sentence of a history textbook ("then, because they needed porn so bad, the ancient humans invented 'the internet.'") It seems crazy, but in reality, shit like this has already happened. Alot.

A specific example are the famous Anasazi. What is weird here is that they did not call themselves the Anasazi. Nobody knows what they were called. "Anasazi" is just the Navajo word for "ancient ones". All we have left of them is a bunch of sweet ruins built in to the sides of canyons, and a name the Navajo gave them. It's an entire civilization summed up in one word.
I like thinking about this because it puts things in perspective, and it really opens the mind to imaging how incredible things could be in a few thousand years. But, thinking about this is also a little unnerving to me, simply because it implies that 99.99999999999% of things that are happening right now that I think are so fucking awesome are going to be completely forgotten (Gushers and XBOX Live whatup???). People want to be remembered, either individually or collectively; but the reality remains that the percentage of your image persisting through the ages is extremely thin.
We don't even know who built Stonehenge. I mean, how pissed off do you think the Druid-King-Ancient-Mystic-Alien who designed and built that fucking thing would be if he found out that nobody in the future knew who the fuck he was? The only thing that remains of his legacy would be that he was a big astronomy dork.

This is getting a bit rambly, but this just leads me to my next point: the Great Pyramid of Giza is mindblowingly awesome.

The Facts:

It contains more than 2.3 million blocks. It was built over 20 years-that's a rate of 315 blocks per day.
It weighs ~13,007,140,000 pounds. That's 30 Sears Towers.
The four sides of the pyramid are accurate to within 0.6 inches.
Oh, yeah...it was finished in 2560 BC.

2560 B fucking C.

That's 1300 years before Ramesses the Great ruled Egypt. It's even 300 years before they think Stonehenge was finished. If you haven't caught on yet...that is FUCKING OLD. King Khufu knew what was really good in terms of putting your stamp on the world.
What I'm getting at here is that our history is already getting muddled. We have no idea how they built things like the Pyramids and Stonehenge. I have no way of comprehending what life looked like back then, not to mention 100,000 years ago when Buk-Buk was sprinting shoeless through the bush with his hang-down flopping from side to side trying to take down a water buffalo.
Did you know that 80,000 of the 160,000+ plus years Homo sapiens sapiens have been in existence was spent dicking around in Africa? Or that >90% of the time we've been around was spent running around killing marmots and eating blueberries? We have no way of thinking about this in realistic terms. It just doesn't register.
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this same thing will happen (barring some sort of cataclysmic event that wipes us off the face of the Earth). So fuck you, little future douchebag munching down on your SpaceChips in front of your home theatre that emits smells while watching some documentary about how the Homo sapien s@piens were obsessed with a video of two girls eating shit out of each others mouths.

I enjoy my coprophiliac-themed theatre.

Fuck you, future.

Download this mixtape...

2009-06-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Wale - Back to the Feature Mixtape
Have yet to hear a song that does not go. Smokin'

2009-06-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

2009-06-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

65 Years ago...

2009-06-06T14:57:00.001-07:00

On this day this happened:

Thank you from all of us at DressArchie.

It makes me feel like a huge pussy to think about stuff like this.

2009-06-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hartichoke's (AKA The Artist Formerly known as hungryfortacos) Definitive Top 10 Least Badass Characters List

2009-05-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

This man stands for everything this list does notstand for...

The other day our great comrade Widukind came up with a comprehensive list of those individuals with whom one does not want to fuck with. Today, I present a list of characters who anyone would, and could without repercussions, fuck up easily. Enjoy.

Honorable Mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development- Too nice/funny), Fredo Corleone (The Godfather- might be mentally disabled), Andy (Steve Carrell from 40 Year Old Virgin (too likeable), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playist (too barfy).

Now without further ado...
10a and 10b:

Private Blithe (Band of Brothers) and Corporal Upham (Saving Private Ryan)
These two characters are tied because, let's face it, they're exactly the same. Both are big pussies in Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg World War II works. They both can't deal with war for a little while, then feel vindicated when they kill a single Nazi. Sorry guys, you already blew your chance to be hard when you were crying while your fellow soldiers were taking on the krauts.

9:

Commodus (Gladiator)
Huge non-badass. Basically a huge pussy that only comes to power by killing his father. Then only kills Maximus by stabbing him while Maximus is in chains. And still gets killed by a mortally wounded badass. Bonus points though for being played by Joaquin Phoenix, if you haven't already watch his interview on Letterman. Priceless.

8:

Karen Crowder (The big bitch from Michael Clayton)
If you've ever seen this movie, you know why she's on this list. I hated her more than almost any other character from any movie. This type of woman just kinda pisses me off in general.

7:

Any Character from a Bronte Work
We all know the Bronte sisters. And we all know their work. And we all know how soft that work is. And how every male character, and to some extent female character, seems like they have been neutered. Don't every try to tell me Heathcliffe is kinda mean... if was really tough he wouldn't be in a Bronte work.

6:

Owen Wilson in Marley and Me
I haven't seen this movie, but Owen Wilson just looked like he sucked from the previews.

5:

Baby Bop (Barney)
Don't try and tell me that you didn't watch Barney. And that you didn't hate Baby Bop. And don't try and tell me that Barney doesn't do unspeakable things to that ass every night cause you know he does.

4:

Vito Spatafore ( The Sopranos)
Gets bonus points for being a mobster, and actually being tough, but is here for 5 simple words: "I love you Johnny Cakes"

3:

The movie Hairspray
I woke up on an airplane once and this was on. I proceeded to watch without sound, what has to be the worst, and lamest movie of all time. I know it was a play and all, but god damn people have poor taste some time.

2:

Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)
Definition of a certain 4 letter word that my mother hates. This woman should get the crucio curse. Or a double crucio curse.

1:

Eli Sunday (There Will be Blood)
Damn right we drink your milkshake. The two scenes where he gets beaten down are pretty awesome, and he's the perfect foil to the badass that is Daniel Plainview. In the words of Senor Plainview: "You were just the afterbirth".

Much love, let's keep the blog and the top 10 lists rolling. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.

Love,
The artist formerly known as Hungryfortacos

A Day That Will Live in Infamy: The Sad Tale of Middlesbrough

2009-05-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

My friends, we have all just been witness to one of the most tragic occurrences not only in the history of football, but in all of human history. Middlesbrough, the gleaming jewel of the river Tees, the penultimate representation of class and character in modern sport, has been relegated. Next year while you all cheer on your respective top-flight clubs as they duke it out on the world stage, my team of choice will be playing the likes of Doncaster, Nottingham Forest, and my old favorite club, Sheffield Wednesday.

It has been a long and tumultuous road, but it is a relief that it is over. Now that the deed has been done, I sit back and quietly reflect on how I first became a 'Boro fan. Sitting in my easy chair in the computer room of the Friese household with my brand new copy of FIFA '07 in hand, I told myself, "Mark, you are not a sheep. You are a shepherd. You cannot simply follow the crowd and become another Arsenal fan or a Chelsea fan. You shall be different." So I began my search for a team that had three main characteristics: a potent offense, a pathetic defense, and a decent amount of cash to spend on free agents. As I scoured the rosters, I saw my old favorite Mark Viduka paired with Yakubu, who I had watched on Fox Soccer Channel only two days before (I had watched him miss an all-too-casual penalty kick, but I saw him nonetheless). I saw Mark Schwarzer, the kindly Aussie between the posts. The attraction was instantaneous.

6 seasons later, with 6 Premiership titles, 5 FA cup titles (I lost one to Manchester United), and 5 Champions League trophies (I lost to the Norwegian club Brann one year when their goalie saved about 30 shots in a game) in hand, my legacy was complete. Winston O'Malley, the fictional 'Boro manager, had established himself as the premier football motivator on Earth, and had led Middlesbrough to 6 straight seasons of over 90 points. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the joyous times I had watching old Winston lead the lads to victory. But it is over now. A new leaf has been turned.

It has been quite a blow for me, particularly considering my brash prediction last year that we would be playing in Europe in '09-'10 (which can be seen on RJ's wall), but my love for 'Boro will never die. I am at least taking it much better than this fellow is for Newcastle.

I now know I must find a new club to root for until they manage to climb their way back into top competition. I must humbly ask you all of your opinion. Who should I support? Finally, thank you for your support in this most troubling time.

Widukind's Top Ten Most Bad-Ass Characters Of FOREVER

2009-05-27T20:23:00.001-07:00

Jiggly Puff will FUCK you up

This list started many moons ago while I was lying in bed trying to list the “Top Ten Best Characters Ever”, but when I found myself seriously considering Lúrtz, I knew I had to reevaluate my criteria. The Artist Formerly Known As Hungryfortacos' list clearly inspired me to finish this one but unlike his, this list covers all mediums. Media. Mediae...aso;djfipadnssdfjn. Unfortunately there are repeats, but what can you do. I tried be somewhat original so some members of the Honorable Mention category may seem more worthy, but I wrote this whole thing, so go fuck yourself. Please feel free to suggest additions, and/or amendments.

10. Lúrtz (Lord of the Rings)

Well, I mean…duh.

9. The Genie (Aladdin)

I like this movie. Say what you want about a Disney character making this list, but he could probably fuck up anybody on here if he was asked to. Which is exactly why he just sneaks in at #9…he can’t do anything unless he’s told to, and when he’s let out of the lamp his powers reduce greatly. Freedom isn’t free!!!

8. Okonkwo (Things Fall Apart)

(Artist's Rendition)

Anyone who can be so driven to dominate a society by having to grow a shit-load of yams earns a high grade in my book. Also, cutting down your own adopted son in the jungle with a machete=maybe kinda bad-ass. He also tries to kill his wife when she fucks up a meal or something. The only knock against Okonkwo is that he hangs himself at the end, a drastic deviation from his cultural norms, but it really just makes him all the more badass because he would rather die than conform to Whitey.

7. Magneto (Hella X-Men shit)

Far and away the greatest superhero ever (that’s right, hero. Deal with it. The dude’s family was slaughtered in a concentration camp! All he wants is for the same thing not to happen to mutants.) He can control bullets. He can make floaty-disks out of the iron in your blood. He pulls off purple hella well. If you’re not down with Magneto, you’re a Nazi.

6. Gandalf (Hella Lord of the Rings shit)

Potential child-molesting tendencies aside, this old fart managed to directly or indirectly take down Sauron, Sarumon, Durin’s Bane, the Nazgul, and the entire Uruk-Hai/Cave Troll/Orc army at Helm’s Deep. That’s a top-ten Badass list in the making right there. Not to mention he’s like 800-years old when all that goes down. I’m not trying to fux with a Balrog with my wrinkled-ass balls flapping everywhere…are you?

5. Predator (Predator, Predator 2, AvP, AvP 2)

Predator is fucking awesome.

4. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)

Commander of the armies of the North. Leader of the Felix Legion. Servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next. (When I wrote this off the top of my head, I had “Phoenix” instead of “Felix” and “shall” instead of “will”. I’ve watched this movie almost as much as the Namesake with “One Night in Paris”. Zing!)

3. Hanuman (Bhagavad Gita and some other Hindu shit)

HEYO major sleeper pick!!!! Judaism produced a guy that could part water, Christianity a guy who can resurrect himself, Buddhism some dude who didn’t eat for hella long, and Islam a bunch of bearded assholes, but Hinduism brought us a bad-ass monkey-god who can walk across oceans and pick up whole mountains and grow to any size he wants and take on whole armies by himself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner (none for you, Buddha).

2. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Argue with this pick and I’ll diarrhea into a syringe and inject it straight into your right ventricle.

1. Omar (The Wire)

I tried being creative here, but this choice is simply unavoidable. What really seals the deal for Omar is that despite two major qualities that would seem un-bad-assly (being a homothapien and MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting popped by a little kid), no Wire fan would ever, ever argue against his bad-assitudlyness.

Honorable Mention:

Grampa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Al Swearengen (Much love, Hartichoke)

Kaiser Soze (Looks too much like a bitch)

Agent Smith (Fuck Neo)

Michael Corleone (Too obvious)

Tony Soprano (Too obvious)

General Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game"

Jules Winnfield (Too obvious)

Farva (Not tough enough)

Reggie Hammond (Tough to leave him off)

Lu Bu (Well, I mean...duh)

T-1000 (He turns into silver stuff)

The Killer Rabbit ("Look at the bones!")

Hartichoke (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as hungryfortacos) Top 10- Actually 12 with Honorable Mentions- Greatest TV Characters...

2009-05-25T16:26:00.001-07:00

Bummer guys, didn't make it. There's always next year...

I don't quite know what inspired this, but at some point today I felt inclined to do this. So without further ado...

Honorable Mention:
These characters don't deserve being at the top, but merit a mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development), Brian Griffin (Family Guy), Creed Bratton (US Office), Lieutenant Speirs ( Band of Brothers), Paulie Walnuts (The Sopranos), Mr. Greg Gregson (Summer Heights High), George Bluth Sr (Arrested Development), David Brent (UK Office), Dave Chappelle (Chappelle's Show).

The Top 12:
12:

Phil Leotardo( The Sopranos)
Almost every season of The Sopranos featured a single antagonist who opposed Tony; Phil was the best of these characters.

11:

Jonah Takalua (Summer Heights High)
Just when the New Zealanders think they win with Flight of the Conchords, along comes the Aussies with Summer Heights High.

10:

Don Draper (Mad Men)
Quite possibly the coolest dude ever to appear on television.

9:

Tobias Funke (Arrested Development)
The picture says it all.

8:

Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
Drops a few spots due to we all know what, but otherwise the funniest physical actor of our time.

7:

The Cast of The Wire
I was gonna list a few favorites here, but then I realized I would name just about everybody.

6:

Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)
"I've made a huge mistake"

5:

Randy Marsh (South Park)
Absolutely steals scenes in episodes that he's in, and the episodes that star him are amongst the funniest.

4:

Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
No top ten list like this would be complete without him.

3:

George Costanza (Seinfeld)
"It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong." According to the Seinfeld DVD's, people actually started doing the opposite after this episode.

2:

Omar Little (The Wire)
The best character on the best TV show ever. There is no cooler character, no other character that everyone likes so much(including our president). It was extremely hard not putting him at number one.

1:

Al Swearengen (Deadwood)
Tony Soprano circa late 1800's. He is the reason Deadwood is worth watching and the show sags when he's not appearing. There's no one else (except for maybe Omar) that I enjoy watching on TV so much.

It's summer, let's bring back the ole blog a little.
Love, Hartichoke

The Creepiest English Hotel Ever...

2009-05-11T08:05:00.001-07:00

If I saw this in real life I would shit my pants in a second...other than that, this is a pretty sick video.

Filthy Dukes - Messages from Filthy Dukes on Vimeo.

Sorry I have been out of touch for a while. I have pink eye.

Also, If you have unlimited SMS, sign up for twitter and get Shaq's tweets sent to your phone. Absolutely unparalleled.

Widukind Diary Entry #23: Selena Roberts Sucks...Ass...Major Ass...And Cock

2009-05-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

Selena Roberts needs to fucking die. She's got a new book coming out, A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez, that traces Rodriguez's life back to when he was a child, exposing rumors and other stupid shit about how he probably used steroids in high school and probably about how he masturbated in the teacher's lounge in 4th grade or whatever. According to this article, the book also talks about how he has been a deceitful person his whole life; an example is how he claimed to have used wood bats in high school, despite pictures existing of him holding metal ones. Whatever. This is typical sports-journalist bullshit that we've all come to expect. Eyewitness accounts that will never, ever be substantiated; rumors from one person who knew somebody who rode the bus with A-Rod's dog walker who said they saw his neighbor fucking A-Rods housekeeper who told him that the dude was using 'roids, etc. Fine. She's a journalist. When someone gives her a quote that implies steroid usage, she can run with it, fair enough.
But wait a minute. Her book also sets out on quite an audacious task; her thesis, apparently, is that A-Rod's demeanor, his bizarre penchant for "lying" throughout his life stemmed from his father leaving the family when A-Rod was 10 years old. What? Who the flying FUCK does she think she is? Selena Roberts, you are a fucking journalist. Not a psychiatrist.
Let me explain. Here are some of her quotes from the article:

"I think like any child, you never want to be abandoned again... I think he always felt that he had to be better than good."

"I think in some ways he felt he had to be, you know, not just a great story, but a tall tale."

"He went through a phase where, I think, and maybe he's still going through the phase, I don't know, where he really I think felt as if he had transcended baseball and reached a different level with the public."

"I do think there's a very good Alex in there," said Roberts, who spent six months reporting and writing the book. "I think the good Alex has a very good shot at winning. I think the good Alex is there for all of us to see for the next nine years. ... No matter what stage he seems to go through, what sort of incarnation he seems to go through, I think that he is at heart a pretty tenderhearted person."

You are a journalist, shithead. You don't "think" things about people based on bullshit. As a journalist, you interview people, you use quotes (hopefully at least some from the person you're actually writing about), and you present the information you have retrieved. You don't go around forming theories of how the departure of someone's father at a young age affected their psyche later in life. That's some personal stuff, lady. You don't do that. Why this pisses me off so much is that this woman has basically made her career exposing A-Rod as a fraud, jerk, whatever, because he cheated the game of baseball. He used performance enhancing drugs when there were those in his same profession who were doing it by the books, and that's not fair.

But isn't this what Roberts is doing herself? This is not journalism. It's sensationalism. She is cheating the honest reporters out there who base their reports and books on concrete things people said or wrote that they found doing honest research with an honest goal. But the tabloids don't go ape-shit over those stories. People want to read about personal turmoil of their biggest stars; they want to see them go down in flames, even if it means writing about something as personal as the abandoning of a family by a father, and then making retarded conclusions that are based on nothing. You don't sell books by going by the books anymore. Selena Roberts knows this. Ergo, she=bitch.

What a hypocrite. Selena Roberts? You're fucking out.

Coming this summer!!!

2009-04-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Click the image to make it bigger.

Everybody freak out!!!

...meanwhile, 300,000+ people in Botswana, a country of 2 million, have HIV/AIDS.

Widukind Diary Entry #22

2009-04-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

And now for something completely different...

Topic 1) I just came across this. This guy needs to fucking die. I'm cereal. Last month this guy drove around town blaring from loudspeakers "Get the fuck out of here there's a fucking fat earthquake coming!" or however you say that in Italian, which I wouldn't know because my Italian syllabus is more retarded than Skip Bayless. The article says that "Giuliani gave an interview as recently as March 24 in which he repeated his claims," but that they just called him "an imbecile". March 24th was two fucking weeks ago, dude. I realize that what happened in Italy is tragic and that, okay, maybe you kinda knew something was up, but to go out and demand an official apology FOR YOURFUCKINGSELF when 150+ people are dead, 1,500+ are injured, and 30,000+ are left homeless is the most imbecilic thing possible in this situation. If this fucking douchebag-majoris cared so much about what was going on he'd be out in the rubble helping the DYING PEOPLE rather than sitting around like a fucking pansy whining about the warnings he gave a month ago. And don't tell me to get off my high horse and do something about it, because I'm hella far away and my cardio isn't so good right now so I'm not sure how much rubble I could move anyways.
Topic 2) Beer companies need to cut the bullshit. Stop trying to convince me that your beer is something other than a watered-down American piece of shit. I don't give a shit that you add barley three different times in the brewing process, Miller Lite douchebag. It's still Miller fucking Light. These companies don't even know what they're doing half the time. Bud Light's "Drinkability" campaign is so ridiculously ambiguous it makes me want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face (twice, actually, because I already want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face). Their newest commercial has a dude explaining "Drinkability" and then drawing a wave with those white lines on the screen like in a football game, and then the wave comes and splashes everyone! LOLZ! Who thought of that sweet joke...RJ? This commercial has nothing to do with beer, which isn't the real issue. The real issue is that it's not funny and has no large breasts, so what is it doing on my television?
Topic 3) This is kinda old, but people who complain like the above Italian dude every time Facebook changes need to shut up or get implanted rectally with a large stick. I'm sorry that it will be momentarily harder for your friends to find the pictures you put up of yourself pregaming in your dorm room. You=small, internet=big. If you can't deal with someone changing your Facebook, what are you going to do when your landlord shuts off your heating because you're obviously such a complete moron and you don't know how to pay bills? N00b.

Out like Plaxico, in like (unofficial) Tim Lincecum Day.

Fantasy Baseball Draft Review 2009

2009-04-03T09:07:00.001-07:00

My team gets me harder than this photo.

Well this took forever. As usual, I stand 100% behind all predictions, no matter how stupid I look come years end. Onward and upward!

Eliza’s Spicy Balls – Kremdawg

As usual you have compiled a solid team with the draft. I like your first four rounds with Hanley, Berkman, Manny, and McCann, but rounds 5-14 I don’t like so much. Those rounds are key to building a championship team. Oswalt and Beckett are steady, but Ludwick, Dempster, Mark Reynolds, Mike Aviles, Ricky Nolasco, and Brian Wilson are a little underwhelming for the middle rounds. Nolasco could be a total stud, though, so I kinda take that back. However, you picked up the effort late with Mike Gonzalez/Brandon Morrow, as well as the vastly underrated Ted Lilly. A lot of people like Shin-Shoo Choo as well this season. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. That’s what he looks like. Good team, but not enough guys on offense that have to potential to have a significant impact.

Best Pick: Lilly. ~15 wins with close to 200 Ks with a steady ERA and WHIP at 217 overall. That’s almost 100 picks after Lowe, who is only slightly better, if at all.

Worst Pick: Mike Aviles. He had a nice season last year, but why take him in the 11^th when someone like Joakim Soria is there who would have helped your weak RP situation greatly, or Howie Kendrick who went a round later?

Queef Monster- The-one-who-likes-cylinders-in-his-sphincter

Your team name blows. What’s with you and queefs? You must be around them a lot….hmm. I’m really not that into your team right now. Your infield is solid, but where is your power going to come from? Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed for “some reason”. I like Granderson, Milledge, and Upton as players, but as your top 3 outfielders there’s cause for concern. CC and Shields are nice, but Greinke. Wow. Let’s talk about this, everyone. Day before the draft, RJ asks, “who are your sleepers, oh fantasy genius and general really awesome dude?” and I say “well, I like Zack Greinke” and RJ’s all like, “eh, he’s ok. I like Ross from Friday Night Lights a lot more though!!! LOL!!!” What a homo. Despite said conversation, he takes Greinke in the 9^th round, ahead of where he’s going in most drafts, as if he were some sort of “sleeper”. Wow RJ. You suck at life.

Best Pick: I like Baker and Slowey, especially where you got them. But getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71^st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.

Worst Pick: I don’t really like the Chipper pick. Guys like Magglio Ordonez and Jermaine Dye went later in the round and could have given your team some needed power at the OF spot. Also the Greinke pick. Wow. Oh and I said I liked Milledge, too. Wow. DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN? CAPITALS MEAN THIS IS SERIOUS, RJ! I DON’T THINK HALF YOUR BRAIN EXISTS...HOLY SHIT.

A Big Poo Poo Train – Dumbo

A finalist for best name year-in, year-out. Unfortunately this review won’t be nearly as scintillating as last year’s lambasting of your personal psychosis since you weren’t at the draft and weren’t able to totally blow it. Rounds 2-6 returned you little value. Phillips is versatile, but suffered big drops in production last year after 07’s breakout. Vlad is on a depressing downslide because he’s so awesome, and Rios and Hart are pretty much the same player. Carlos Guillen is simply shit-on-my-face bad, and as your only option at 1^st I’d get out the baby wipes. Because, you know, he’s going to shit on your face because he’s so bad. The pitching is one big injury risk; pretty much everyone there spent significant time on the DL last season, and the guy who had the most innings is missing the first half of the season (Sheets). I like the potential of this group though, so it’s not all bad.

Best Pick: Hard because of the autopick, so…Michael Bourn. Obviously.

Worst Pick: Ben Sheets. At 142? Ouch. I don’t even think this guy’s on a team right now, which is too bad because I like him a lot.

Tomahawkcock – Juanfeesh

You say you think Archie has the best name, which I believe to be true, but don’t sell yourself short. Somehow it works, and influenced me to steal the rhyme theme. Your lineup has some big time fantasy contributors at the top with Reyes, Quentin, Holliday, Martin, and Gonzalez. Haters are hating Gonzalez for whatever reason, but the dude is just solid. However, the drop-off after that is significant. Ethier is nice, but Mora should regress, Teahen is just bleh, and Garret Anderson had to ask for special Depends-fitted pants before the season started. It’s true. Your pitching is not any better, although I approach with caution remembering I ripped into yours last year and I’m pretty sure it turned out damn good. Volquez just threw so many innings last season, Burnett is making the dreaded “good-but-kinda-overrated pitcher switch to the Yankees”, and Carmona was a bust last season. However, I commend you for sticking to your hometown talents in Cahill and Anderson. They are nice!

Best Pick: You grabbed Quentin earlier than he’s going in most drafts, but I think he’ll be just fine this season, so well done. However, a surprisingly astute pick in St. Louis’ potential closer Jason Motte wins it this time.

Worst Pick: Burnett. I don’t know why, but the injuries earlier in his career paired with the move to New York has me pooping my pantaloons (see: Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, etc.).

My penis dresses up – Heshen Baby

Any time a team appears with the word “penis” and without capitalization I know who it is. Good for you Hesh. You grabbed the “wow that was retarded” prize selecting Youkilis at 20^th overall. Your explanation (“I don’t know baseball”) was disappointing. But, never to disappoint just once in a single draft, you racked up two “WTWR” awards in consecutive picks taking Aubrey fucking Huff with your next. Jesus. Your offense is just terrible. You drafted AJ Pierzynski. You should die. Your pitching is probably worse than your offense, considering Duchshsfdsfchchser is hurt and Huston Street is your only reliever. Saying this is probably going to bite me in the ass later when Joba Chamberlain wins the Cy Young and Xavier Nady hits 50 homeruns, but…there is now a level zero.

Best Pick: Uh…I think Bedard could be nice this year, but I gotta go with Pablo “Best Player of the Century” Sandoval. Dude just rakes.

Worst Pick: AJ Pierzysnki. Seriously, this beats your two “WTWR” awards. Not really. But. Actually, really.

Salad Tossers – Clayton Canielsen

At least this year you balanced your “MY TEM IS TEH BEST CHAMPIUNSIHP OO YAA!” quotes with “My team sucks” quotes. Your offense is pretty good, actually. Accidentally picking Alex Gordon sucks, but if you slide Cabrera to 3^rd and Delgado to 1^st, that’s still a solid infield. Jose Lopez put up way better numbers than I thought last year. It will suck when Milton gets hurt, but your outfield is good, too. Lincecum, Harden, and Dice-K ( <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>‘_’)>: that’s what he looks like…in REAL LIFE!) are a good top three. Just hope they stay healthy, because the rest of your pitching sucks. Ass. Ziegler is a good pick though, as Devine looks like he could be hurt…God, that was surprisingly painless. Well done, Clay. Or, maybe poorly done, because for the first time you officially failed to make me want to shoot myself watching you draft.

Best Pick: I really like Miguel Cabrera this year and was counting on you taking someone retarded so he would fall to me, but you didn’t. However, I like Milton Bradley the most.
Dark chocolate; MLB could use more of it.

Worst Pick: Saying Alex Gordon would be unfair, but it did fuck you in the anoos (RJs toy cylinder has been known to sneak around). However, I have to give this to K-Rod. He sucks. He always lets runners on. His velocity has been going down steadily. Last year was just weird. He just blows.

A-Fraud poos needles – Zmath

Give up on the steroids jokes Zmoney, its old news. Pretty solid team here…Red Sox dick-sucking notwithstanding (to be fair you only drafted three, but still. RED SOX SUX MY COX). I like VMart to rebound from injury, as well as Big Papi. He could be back with a vengeance this season. Still waiting for Ryan Zimmerman to put it all together, and Furcal and Matsui present some injury risk, but I like the balance on offense. Swisher is another nice rebound candidate that you snagged late at no risk. Interesting approach on pitching, for sure. Two starters drafted? I’m all for laying off pitching during the draft, but you may have put yourself in a big hole there. Papelbon/Lidge/Broxton is a nasty hydra-saves-machine. But fuck Papelbon. ROIDS.

Best Pick: Big Papi at 55 has to win it here. You got a bunch of nice value late, but this guy remains an elite talent who just had an unfortunate injury last season.

Worst Pick: Papelbon at 66. Just ludicrous. Fuck closers. Fuck Papelbon. Fuck Boston. You shoulda picked Mike Matthay here…Fantasy camp! Fantasy camp!

Poo-Taste Fart Tart – King Solomon…(me, in layman’s terms)

My offense is fucking great with the potential of being absolutely devastating. Even without Wieters and A-Rod in my start-of-the-season lineup, it’s damn strong top to bottom. That being said, I am absolutely aware of the risk I have placed on myself heading into the season. Two players who aren’t playing off the bat; Wieters in AAA, at whom all signs point to being a total star, and A-Rod, coming off injury. However, for every Evan Longoria and Tim Lincecum there is an Alex Gordon and Homer Bailey, so my expectations for Wieters remain reserved. A-Rod, well, he’s A-Rod, and I think he’ll be just fine. My pitching is solid, considering I waited until the 10^th round to take a starter. I like my comeback candidates in Harang and Carpenter, and have a few nice relievers on my squad as well. Pitching is always easier to find than hitting over the course of the season, and I trust my Jesus-esque waiver wire abilities to come through.

Best Pick: I like Matt Kemp a lot, but since I ripped into RJ for taking him so early last year I will refrain. I’ll go with my two late picks of potentially stat-stuffing closers, Kevin Gregg and Trevor Hoffman (hopefully healthy soon).

Worst Pick: Wieters. His value is certainly higher than where I got him at 104, but RJ correctly called me out as my clock ticked by saying I was “choking”. He’s an uber talent, but with the Arod pick earlier I really don’t need two guys sitting on my bench who aren’t playing.

Jayne Appel-Bottom (what the hell does that even mean?) - Lani Baxter

I don’t think your team is any good. Your infield is pretty nondescript; Cantu has hit 28+ homers twice, but I don’t see it happening again. I don’t like Ryan Theriot or Casey Blake just because I don’t like them. Your OF/UT spots make up for it a bit, but Pena’s production dipped sharply after his breakout in 07 and from Maybin down your bench is unproven with a bunch of guys who are fighting for playing time. Your pitching is incredibly thin, with Santana already hurt, big question marks in Verlander, Cueto, and Hughes, and only one reliever. This team just makes me want to…sit here. Excitement on the Appel-Bottom front is lacking in 2009.

Best Pick: Carl Crawford could be a nice bet at 33^rd overall if he’s hopefully healthy. Maybin is a nice value at 208. Maybin is a weird name. Maybin. Maybin. Maybin. Huh…

Worst Pick: I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.

Mr. Hands’ Team – Nastydogg/HomelessNigg/I boinked your sister

Despite the trash-talking, you are certainly one of this crowd’s fantasy elite. I swear you happen to stumble upon at least 2 or 3 out-of-nowhere studs every year, though I don’t have evidence to back it up because I’m too lazy to try and find any. Your team is solid. The infield is very good, though I expect a drop from Ramirez, but an uptick in production from Rollins. You have nice balance in the outfield with McLouth/Abreu/Cruz/Young, all guys who could provide solid power/speed numbers. However, I don’t see any real studs in that group. Some hunks, sure, but no studs. Yes homo. I like your pitching as well; you snagged a few guys I was targeting (Lindstrom, Garza, Jimenez), and paired them at the top with the rock-solid Brandon Webb and last year’s Esteban Loaiza, Cliff Lee. I have no idea what he’s going to do this year, so I won’t even try.

Best Pick: I really like Matt Garza for whatever reason. I think he could put together a very solid season, with good stats at every starter category. Adam Jones at 202 could be good value, as well as Beltre (who I also wanted) at 183.

Worst Pick: Alexei Ramirez at 58. Call me a Negative Nancy, but I’m just not buying it. His power increased in the second half last year but his average fell precipitously (that means a lot).

Blow My Meat Whistle – Caribou-herder

Trevor, I’m glad you found a time-slot in between caribou-milking sessions to join us for the draft. (These caribou jokes aren’t going to stop, by the way.) Your offense is very strong. Tejada is kinda done, but Howard, Utley, Ramirez are a good top three and you complement them well in the OF and UT spots. Raul Ibanez is consistently underrated and should put up solid numbers, as should Dye, Votto, and Werth. 4 Phillies on your team, but no Pedro Feliz? For shame. Your pitching is solid, too. I thought the Wainwright pick was a little ambitious, but by taking Lackey you added solid insurance at minimal cost. I think Brian Fuentes is in line for a very good season. Wandy Rodriguez’s first name is Wandy. Either his parents were on mescaline or both had very severe speech impediments and wanted to name him Randy. Wandy. Wandy. Wandy.

Best Pick: A lot to like here. Kelly Shoppach could put up solid numbers and I really wanted him, but I give this to Lackey at 107 overall. He’s hurt and his situation is kinda iffy, but he’s a stud when healthy.

Worst Pick: Wainwright. I like him, but 86^th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.

Kbonermakerjbuttache- Aaachie Bubby

Best team name award goes to the giraffe, no doubt. However, recent revelations about RJ’s toy cylinder make things a little cloudy as to who is exactly making RJ’s butt truly ache. Perhaps some tag team action between The Succubus and The Cylinder is in order? Your offense looks solid, but at a second glance you see that no one on your squad had 100+ RBIs last year, HR numbers aren’t very good, and your AVG could be weak. I think power is your biggest concern heading into the season. You said you had no idea who Ian Kinsler is, but I’m sure you will by seasons end. He’s a legit fantasy force. I like Hunter Pence and expect his AVG to rebound a bit, but your bench is terribly weak. I like your pitching a lot actually. Bonderman blows and Devine looks like he could be hurt, but Hamels, King Felix, Lester, and Myers are all very good. Well done.

Best Pick: For whatever reason I like Brett Myers a lot this year. He’s two years removed from that weird situation where he got moved to the pen, and he could put up solid numbers across the board.

Worst Pick: This pains me from my core down through my loins, but Ichiro at 37 is too high. He’s a three category player now and only going downhill. I still love him though. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. He also looks like that. For realz.

Post-draft Rankings:

I see the top three as pretty clear, and solid competition for the 4-8 spots. Matthay’s ranking drops because of his utter lack of pitching, and for once Alex isn’t ranked dead last:

1. Me (duh)

2. Mark

3. RJ

4. Trevor

5. Kremer

6. Clay

7. John

8. Archie

9. Matthay

10. Alex

11. Ilan

12. Harrison

Predicted Order of Finish:

1. Me (duh)

2. Mark

3. RJ

4. Kremer

5. Trevor

6. Matthay

7. John

8. Clay

9. Archie

10. Ilan

11. Alex

12. Harrison

As usual, if you don’t like it…write your own. Assholes.

New Del

2009-03-31T20:38:00.000-07:00

Del the Funky Homosapien is bringing the funk to us all...FOR FREE...

New Album: Funk Man (The Stimulus Package)

Available right now on his website for free download. This perhaps the first of the bazillion rap albums that will have the words "Stimulus Package" in it. I can't wait for Juelz and Killah Cam to have their go's at the words. Also see: "Bailout", "Shit-ass economy", and "I'm fuckin' broke".

Quote to come...

Dress Archie's Great Quotes: The Law of Self-Preservation

2009-03-31T09:35:00.001-07:00

He's dead

"A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the mean.

...

A ship at sea in distress for provisions, meets another having abundance, yet refusing a supply; the law of self-preservation authorizes the distressed to take a supply by force."

-Thomas Jefferson

Since the epic "Great Rap Verses" died (almost exactly one year ago...notice the Fantasy Draft Review. A new one will follow tonight's festivities), as did the "RIP" series, let's try something else.

Go Giants.

New UGK Album.

2009-03-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

To drop on March 31st. Sounds amazing. Read pitchfork's interview with Bun B. Its great.

you'd think that record companies would be more fiscally responsible..

2009-02-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

..than to let lil' wayne make a rock album. due out may 17th. oh god. if this is a preview, universal could go under upon release of the album.

you don't have to watch the whole thing, but weezy is a highlight with the guitar. the guitar smashing is shit your pants funny.

i prefer the gayest video ever made of children. except for boy porn.